A state of grace

Sunday’s get hard for me. By the evening, I am SO sick of my parents that I want to scream sometimes and get so restless and crabby. Tonight I was literally driven to drink a beer by the situation (Tread Lightly gluten-free by New Planet…I didn’t used to like it at all but last night discovered it’s really good with a lime).

I realize on nights like this how much I want a job (yes, even more than I usually realize it – which honestly goes back and forth sometimes). I just believe that it would be SO good for me. I am so restless and frankly, bored out of my mind. I know it would be hard for me to adjust to working again at first, and I get so terrified and frustrated about how to accommodate the job to my nerve disease. I got really upset today about how much my job search is limited by what I am physically able to do. I just want to be normal and be able to just stand and walk without thinking about the pain. But if I can find the right job for me, it would be so unimagineably good for me. I believe it would motivate me to be strong, not use negative coping mechanisms, and give me so much confidence and independence again.

I have two jobs that I have applied for and am really interested in.  Today, I was just praying to God so hard that I will find something soon. I have been searching for a year and a half (limited, as I said, by my nerve disease). One job is for the nearby city government as a records clerk – I think an office environment would be best, but one where I have varied activities since my arms even go out when I type or do one thing too long. The other is for the local natural foods grocer. I saw they were hiring right before my trip to Phuket and I plan on turning in my application tomorrow and hope they still are. I would be a cashier there, but the home office is in the one right down the street so maybe I could do office work too. I feel like my Biology degree would be applicable there since it is almost more of an alternative medicine/vitamin place than a grocer (though they have both).

I  need something. I need to get out of this house and feel independent again. It would be so exciting to have a job for when B. comes home so we could be working adults and go out for happy hour on Fridays. And have a good schedule, like the old days when I worked in clinical laboratory diagnostics. I miss that job, but I couldn’t physically do it now anyway.

So I am going to keep praying something works out soon.

I cry so much when I write blog entries. I am such an emotional person. Writing makes me see how hard I fight sometimes and it moves me.

After my post yesterday, funny how much I studied for the PCAT today! Hours and hours and with pretty good concentration. I want that dream, I want a career. I decided what I was so anxious about is taking more pre-req’s in the Spring when I have no money for it. And when I really want to settle in with B. getting home and get to relax and recover from his deployment, and make our plans together. So I am letting it be okay if I don’t apply to start Aug. 2011, but Aug.2012 instead, or whenever. I am letting it be okay if I still do this PCAT, but also take time to breathe in the next year. I want a job though, so much. That would make it all good, and bring me so much peace.

I keep thinking that I feel so much that God never listens to my prayers. But then yesterday I was staring out the window and thinking that maybe he does, just in a slower way than I want 😉 . And also in ways with blessings I already have, like B. In the moments of grace I have too.

That is my mantra nowadays: THERE IS GRACE IN EVERY MOMENT. No matter how hard the moment is, there is a way to make it as best as it can be and not make it worse. That brings peace and that is grace. Using DBT skills and loving myself bring me that. And having faith and hope and never giving up.


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