Okay and down

It’s like every other day is a hard day. I don’t know why. I tried so hard to eat breakfast this morning but I couldn’t handle it. I sat with it for like two hours and then I gave up. I just feel like I can’t do this alone, I either need someone with me or I need something to do after (like a JOB!) that gets me out of the house. I need something to be at or something that is motivating to feel good for.

Now I am supposed to go to my friend’s house for dinner and I just want to call and say I am sick and cancel. I just want to lay in bed all day and read and be safe and cry. I just get so scared of this getting me, and it’s like I am scared of myself and I want it to be over. I am afraid I won’t make it til February sometimes. I just want to do better so much. I don’t know what I should have done instead…gone swimming I guess? I freaked out, I don’t know what else to say.

Sorry for saying this on here, I just felt like journaling, I feel so lonely, it just helps me to talk sometimes.

So I know tomorrow will be okay. Because its up and down like that. But what about the next day, I’m so scared. I am supposed to work on not being scared of my own fear, but it’s hard.

[Edit: Okay, it’s a little later now. I think I am just going to take a little nap or read for awhile and hope I feel better when I get up. Instead of not going to my friend’s house, I am going to go, but I honestly might eat dinner here beforehand and just have drinks with them. I know that seems wimpy, but sometimes I feel safer eating at home, especially because I know it will be gluten-free. At least I am going out in some way though and beating my social anxiety. I don’t know. That is my back-up plan if I still feel really anxious later. If I feel okay, I will eat dinner with them. They are so nice – it’s my boyfriend’s best friend and his girlfriend. They always invite me over and cook me dinner and make me drinks like I am the guest of honor – to get me out of the house. It’s cute.]

[I have this new weird plan in my head that is a backwards-way of improving on loving myself that I am going to allow myself to do in the next week. There are 4 steps, I already knocked out the first one and now will work on the second, and then hopefully do three and four together.]

[I need to try to work on bringing more joy into my everyday life here. I think that is one reason I do so much better when B. and I are together: I feel happy; and that happiness brings down or damps down the intensity of the fear and sadness and anxiety I feel all the time. Then when the intensity is down, those hard feelings are more manageable.

How can I add more joy? hang out with friends, hang out with my sisters more, swim, be outside

I really think hanging out with friends and my sisters (who both live here so I don’t even have to GO anywhere to hang out with them; plus, they are my friends) will really help. It gets me outside my own head and reminds me of the fun to be had in life. So that is a real goal for this weekend.]


One thought on “Okay and down

  1. I struggle too with being social. It can be stressful especially when it involves eating a meal out. But I think that eating before you go and just going for a drink (or two) and enjoying your friends will make you happier. Even if you stay for only an hour at least you saw your friends 🙂 And got out of your house for a little bit. I hope that you feel better tomorrow! Let me know if you need to talk or vent (I work for the Marine Corps and my father spent a year in Saudi Arabia during the 90s so I understand the pain of deployment).

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