On the agenda for today:

  1. Go swimming: It is rainy here and I did not feel like getting out of bed this morning, but I am going to make myself go to try to get out of this depression. After laying here for awhile, til almost 11am, I finally feel like getting out there.
  2. Do laundry: Then I will be all ready to pack for Thailand
  3. Just try to get through the day.

Wow, really ambitious huh? I am honestly just trying to let myself do absolutely nothing this week if that is all I feel like doing. I am upset because I feel all lumpy and gross just laying around (and I pretty much worried for the last 9 months about how I HAVE to look good when I go to Thailand, only to completely give up in the last week). But I just can’t handle the go-go-go thing this week. Somehow doing nothing but reading, browsing the internet, playing games on (check it out!), and laying here daydreaming is making the time go faster than if I was running around trying to accomplish all this crap.

I wish I wasn’t such an all-or-nothing person.

But I guess I am conquering that today by going swimming even though I feel like I ate too much for breakfast (so I am not just giving up on the whole day I mean). Taking more tramadol is making me feel calmer and kind of gets rid of my desire to eat, more specifically my urges to binge. So I think that is good, anything I can do to stop that right now is okay.

I am honestly going to swim for like 40 minutes today because I have been resting too much and all the sudden my body wants to do it. It is so amazing how if you listen, your body will tell you what it wants to do.

I want to look good for Thailand, but I also want to stop this drive for perfection and control all the time – it just backfires because it makes me more anxious and then I just give up and hate myself.


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