I am just in despair.
Yes, I know most depressing blog ever.
I am just trapped in this cycle of fear and I don’t know how to get out. I keep hoping I will wake up one day and feel stronger. This does happen sometimes but I am sick of waiting around for it. How do I force it to happen? And then how to I stay strong without falling back down like this. I want him to come home and save me sometimes, okay all the time. Save me from this and protect me from myself. My mom is so clueless. I want to tell her everything. I just want to be kept safe. I am so afraid.
I want to just go to bed, even though it is 4pm, and sleep and pray that I wake up tomorrow and can drink my coffee and go swim and stay strong.
But then I worry I won’t be able to forgive today…why can’t I just let this go?!
It’s like Thailand looming ahead of me, and how bad I want to do well there, is creating this fear that I won’t do well and then I start to hate myself and just give up.
I do hate myself today. Why can’t I feel strong like other people? And think clearly? Why? I don’t know what else to do, I need help from someone else, not just myself. I just need B. I just need him. I miss him so much, I just want this to be over. And I never want to have to go through this again.