Secret smilin’

So I have fucked up a lot in the last few days. Sorry for the profanity, but this is not a family-friendly blog. Haha.

But I am still smiling right now. Why? Because I still feel strong. I still feel hopeful. I am still fighting right now. I am remembering that the only thing to do is forget the past and fight in THIS moment. No matter what just happend, I can make a healthy choice in the next second even.

And mostly, I am smiling because of my boyfriend. I am SO excited about some things in our future and things he has said to me lately. And I get to see him in two and a half weeks!

And after that it is just counting down three more months until his deployment is over!


I got my blood test done Monday. I can’t wait to get the results in two weeks and share what it is for exactly on the blog, as well as the group of diseases that my condition very most likely falls in. Then I can discuss the results on here, what that means, and what I will do next. I would like to focus some on educating people on this group of rare diseases.


Things to do when I feel “it” take me over:

  • Check in
  • Pro’s and Con’s
  •, (yes, I spend a ridiculous amount of time on wedding websites and stockpiling ideas in my head…it feels like my hobby, it is comforting and exciting to me; I can get lost in it, stop thinking about negative things, relieve my boredom, and feel hopeful about my future…I am a girly girl in this way…I especially like reading through the “real wedding” stories and pictures)
  • Look at the situation objectively…What is real? Also, what is the middle way?
  • Interact with my sisters
  • Write B. a letter, either a real one or in my journal
  • Breathe
  • Literally, drink a glass of wine


  1. For this ‘Indian Summer’ weather!
  2. For these wedding websites! 🙂 Geez, I am a dork.
  3. For the fact that my major pain episode of last week is so much better this week. (Knock on wood.)
  4. For my books. Someone asked me lately what I am reading. I am reading this series of books by Cynthia Harrod-Eagles called the Morland Dynasty. They follow English history from the War of the Roses to present day, setting the drama of a fictional family against the historical events of the time. They are excellent. I am loving getting lost in them too.
  5. For the fact that I am remembering more and more that passing time in a pleasurable way is not a bad thing, that it does not mean I am lazy or that I am going to get fat. It is something I should be proud of, that I am enjoying my life and coping in a positive way. That is all I can do right now in some ways as I wait for my plans to unfold. I have done a lot of work to set my goals into action, but I can’t work on them every second or have them right now. So coping well with pleasurable activities is really something to be proud of and just enjoy.
  6. For being busy with dog work. I am kind of getting frustrated by some people in the organization, but I really am working hard on this and making a contribution and it feels good. If only I got paid!
  7. For getting to talk to B. on the phone every day…and how we are so open with each other. I am not one of those girls who can’t stand to hear about the real war stuff. I like how he will confide that to me and that he knows that, it makes me feel closer to him. I don’t judge people that don’t want to know that but I think it is a good thing for us.


How do you feel about profanity? Are there any words you won’t use? I like the f-word for some reason. I don’t use it in front of children obviously (that really bothers me), but sometimes there is nothing better to express emotion. My boyfriend strangely has a huge problem with this word, although he will say any other bad word, and I have never heard him use it. I HATE any word that crassly refers to female anatomy, yuck. Will not go there. This is kind of a weird question. 😉

Do you feel guilty about relaxing? Relaxing has been hard for me to do literally since elementary school. I am such a restless person and I also just feel guilty about it. I don’t even know why it is. I am trying to look at it like a challenge – like when I do it (and I mean relaxing my brain, not my body necessarily), I am overcoming a challenge and I should be proud of that. A lot of it has to do with how I can’t physically sit still without judging myself or worrying too. I am trying to use my objective thinking to think about this: what difference does it make if I am sitting studying or sitting reading?

“As you begin changing your thinking, start immediately to change your behaviour. Begin to act the part of the person you would like to become. Take action on your behaviour. Too many people want to feel [and then just sit and wait for action to follow]. This never works.”–John Maxwell

This is the other thing I am working on. I kind of clarified that one part in the brackets. I feel like I keep getting frustrated that I have all these epiphanies in my head but then my behaviors keep knocking me down. But this quote made me think about how I am making more strides in thinking translated to action that I thought, and also how just forcing action is what you need to do to change things sometimes.


One thought on “Secret smilin’

  1. I’m glad you are still smiling and the BF is making you happy.

    I do not cuss. I feel dirty doing it. I say small words but if I say the F word you better step back because you’re about to be punched 😉

    I am VERY bad at relaxing.

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