I ramble

Fighting, fighting, fighting through this.

I am proud of how many DBT skills I am using, I feel like I am getting back into a groove with them. I am making a conscious effort to really check in with myself about my emotions, to radically accept things, and to use PRO’s AND CON’s and think of the consequences of coping negatively with things.

I am really struggling with this chemistry studying lately for the PCAT. I found out I do not get ANY formulas on the test and thus have to memorize all of the math and chemistry formulas. This was my suspicion so I have been trying to do that but still, it is just overwhelming. I understand all the concepts but then I try to do review problems and I just can’t remember every formula. I am trying to remember that the first time I went through the biology section, it was overwhelming and now as I review it I realize that I know so much. But chemistry is harder in general, and I hear the math is the toughest part of this test. I just have to plug through it and make my big formula sheet as I go and trust that I will have the knowledge in my brain and if I remain rational I can usually pick the best answer choice.

The more I study and continue with this application process, the more I realize that I want this more than anything!

I am so determined. It is okay if I have to take it twice so I have 6 months to study instead of 3 months. But I just want to ace this test and have this dream. I am so happy that I have finally settled on a career path. I have thought through so many things about it and can’t come up with many negatives. When I considered teaching or nursing even, there was always this apprehension. I worried I wasn’t making the right choice, about certain aspects of the job, etc. Now I just feel in my heart that this will be such an enjoyable and fulfilling career for me.

It is great to realize that, but it makes the fear of failure so much more real too. I don’t want to get crushed. But if I don’t make it in the first time around, I am going to try again…and again…and again. As many times as it takes. I have learned patience this year, enough to be okay with that.

But I will do it this time. I am thinking positive and riding on this determination.

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We  have a new doggie around here! I am falling in love with him, his name is Ryder. He is a 2-year old Golden Retriever mix – so he is black in color but with a Golden Retriever’s type of coat and look. I will get a picture of him up soon.

I picked him out of my rescue. My parents are doing a foster-to-adopt agreement (meaning if it doesn’t work out we will tell them and they will keep him open for adoption by someone else). He had to move from his other foster home anyway because they had cats and he was too interested in them and the cats didn’t like him. But he is a sweetheart. He was a stray found in Arkansas. He loves our other doggie and is pretty calm for his age, walks great on the leash and is being a very smart boy so far.

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My blog is so random. Other people’s blogs often have a theme/topic each post. I really like that. I am trying to work toward that, but I often have so many thoughts that it is hard to get it all into one topic.

I am trying to get back on the healthy wagon this afternoon and determined to do it tomorrow and this whole week. I feel so much better physically and mentally when I am healthy. I feel hopeful and powerful. I feel confident, I love myself more.

Last night I went out for once, to say goodbye to my good friend who is leaving for 27 months with the Peace Corps in October. She is going to American Samoa to teach English. I drank waaaay to much tequila (and I hate tequila!), hence the need to get working on feeling healthier, but it was worth it. My sister came and it was so good to catch up with old friends.

You know, I get so socially anxious to go out. But I teared up last night when I said goodbye, realizing how much people really care about me and how much I care about them. I often say I have few friends but I have more than I think and our relationships are richer than I think too.

Everyone was just so kind to me last night. They picked less crowded bars and bars close to each other. They made sure the places we went to had a chair for me. Everyone offered to piggy-back me around. I hate feeling like a burden to people! But it took me awhile to even realize they were accommodating me. And then I realized that they didn’t care. They genuinely wanted me to be there, to talk to me, and for me to get to have fun too. I would do the same for them. It is making me cry right now to realize how good they were to me last night, and always.

And I care about them too, so much. I care about my friend’s fears about going away for so long, even though it’s going to be an awesome experience; about her fears of missing things and the long-distance relationship with her boyfriend. I care about my friend Sarah’s frustration that she can’t find a nice guy. I love them all. And it was so nice to hang out with my sister.

Best of all, I felt like they really like me for me. For once, I didn’t once check what my hair looked like last night or be pinch my stomach. We had genuine conversations. We LAUGHED so much.

It was refreshing to just BE.

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I go crazy on the days I can’t swim. So I am working on something: taking each day with swimming ONE AT A TIME. I think I am just going to allow myself to go in the mornings. I would rather go every day, or 6 days a week, and swim 10 minutes a day than swim more on fewer days.

I like the routine, I like how it refreshes me. I like that when I get out of the pool, no matter how long I swim, I feel hope about life. Every time.

So that’s my plan. I don’t think 10 minutes a day is going to hurt me. If I encounter more nerve symptoms, I will deal with it that day, day by day. I deserve this.

Tomorrow is Sunday. I am going to get up and go to the 8 o’clock service at church, then go swimming, then go my cousin’s football game and watch the Broncos.

I am going to study in the evening. I am going to do the best I can with studying and stay calm and just let it soak in. Each hour studying is a step toward my dream.

And tonight, after I try, try, try to study some more, I am going to go to bed, take my Melatonin (REALLY working by the way – I take 1mg each night and sleep really well), and just go to bed early if that is what I need to do to stay safe.

Each day I am going to eat healthy things. Gluten-free is working so well for my stomach pains and nausea and other symptoms. I am getting over this fear/dislike of having food in my stomach. I can snack on vegetables, eat salads and salmon and roasted eggplant, eat a peanut butter sandwich at night. I know that OVERALL, I am eating less that way anyway. And then I feel good. It is a great change for me to be okay with enjoying eating. And I enjoy foods so much that make me feel good DURING AND AFTER eating them. That is my motto.

Strength. Perseverance. Hope. Never stop fighting.

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