I feel homeless. My parents really hurt my feelings today. Long story. Basically I am now just staying here, not living here, which is hurtful and comforting at the same time. It is comforting not to feel too comfortable, so I can’t just do what I want and I have to face reality.
Today has been one of the hardest I have ever had. I DID go swimming though, and I am so glad.
Today I have realized (both good and bad): my parents can’t do anything to help me; I have a disease that will affect me for the rest of my life, taking away my independence, and the majority of activities that I enjoy; and that…
I have the most amazing boyfriend anyone could ever ask for.
See, both good and bad.
I may have already talked about this on here, can’t remember. [I have a bad memory, I blame my medicine. I used to have an EXCELLENT memory.] Anyway, about me going to stay with my aunt in Montana. Okay, yes, I definitely talked about this on here, right? My aunt called me tonight. She left a message. (She is my favorite aunt, the absolute sweetest person ever.) She said we can go swimming, tell her how many days a week I want to go and we will work it out. I should go, shouldn’t I? I am drowning here. I am so afraid to go, but I could buy a one-way ticket and just go and see. I just want to be so strong when I go to Thailand, physically and mentally. Right now I feel…okay…but when I get so desperate like today, I just want a routine, sometime to eat lunch and dinner with, something to get up for every day instead of lying in bed in fear. I am terrified to not have control over my swimming. But I talked to her. I think it will be okay. Maybe we could talk about setting up a schedule. WOULD THAT BE TOO CRAZY? It’s so hard for me to ask things from people, I don’t want to be a burden.
Some things I have learned/thought about today:
1. Red wine almost always makes things a lot better.
2. Once I accepted this nerve disease and its implications, I didn’t feel jealous reading blogs about people working out. I just thought, ‘My life is different.’ Hey, I can’t do yoga. But I can still eat kombocha squash! (Never tried it, but I want to start relishing in healthy foods again.) And, once again…’I can’t go on a 30-minute walk but I can go on three 10-minute walks’.
3. I also thought today, ‘I am a thin person. Always have been, always will be. I am sick of feeling guilty that I am lucky I am naturally thin and thus feeling afraid that it will be taken away from me, and thus having food issues for no reason.’ You see, this is a theme in my life. Once I realize that I am lucky to have something, I become terrified it will get taken from me and try to control it, or just worry about it obsessively. Examples:
- When I was a kid, my aunt and uncle (my cousins’ parents) got divorced. I saw what they went through. I became terrified MY parents would get divorced. So every time they had a minor fight, I would freak out and cry and worry about it for days. Just because I felt lucky. They are still together by the way, 27 years this October.
- This is how my eating disorder started. Like I said, I have always been a thin person. I was 15. I had always been self-conscious, never had any guys like me, etc. I remember my friends starting to tell me I was lucky I was so in shape and had a nice body. (Prior to this, I was thinking THEY were lucky for having BOOBS!) All the sudden, I realized I DID have a nice body, that I never had to worry about being fat. But my next thought was…what if that gets taken from me??? Thus began my descent into anorexia, never to lose weight, just to make sure I didn’t change all of the sudden, get hit with a lightning bolt or suddenly become less fortunate just because I realized I liked something about myself for once.
4. I just am telling myself that I have a BIG plan. It will take a long time to get here but I have it. And if all I do on any given day right now is fight tooth and nail using every DBT skill I possess, then I can be proud at the end of the day, even if that just means staring at the ceiling doing deep breathing for seven hours straight. And if I swim, any time of day, then I will feel REALLY proud.
Yeah I just went through all that. I don’t really want to get into how depressed I am, except maybe to say that I seriously considered going back to the psychiatric hospital today, that I felt (feel?) more lost and hopeless than ever before.
I have been symptomatically diagnosed with a nerve disease. I get the official genetic test soon. If it is not this, it is something very similar. This is not a fun disease, but the amount of peace it is starting to bring me just to be on the VERGE of knowing is indescribable. It makes everything makes sense. It tells me what I need to do to take care of myself (although there is no cure and no real treatment beyond what I am doing). A real diagnosis would mean that I could stop playing mind games with myself, that I have a NAME to explain to people, that I can get accommodations for my disability much, much easier in pharmacy school and for a job, etc.
I am lucky I have such a good man. I am not going to be afraid of that too. Because he is no-nonsense. This comes both from himself and from being in the Army. If he didn’t want to put up with me, he would tell me. He has this amazing self-love that I could never imagine possessing. But he makes it clear time and time again how much he loves me and would do anything for me. I get to see him in Thailand in 34 days. I can’t believe it’s so close. I don’t want to be afraid anymore. I haven’t seen him in 8 months and I get to see him in 34 days and he has been there for me through everything and he LOVES me and I am lucky he loves me and that our love is so special and it is there and it won’t go away. I trust him and I trust our love. And I am so blessed to have him. He is my partner and we are on the same team and we never give up.
Next post: All about this nerve disease. And my next steps to take with testing, etc – regardless of Montana – I am thinking I will head out Monday if I go.