I am so broken.
I don’t think I have ever been this broken, but I don’t know. Perhaps I have, over and over and millions of times.
It’s so frustrating to see and know so many things but yet never change. So sad to sit here and be able to see myself doing this same thing at any given time 6 months ago, 5 years ago, 6 years ago, more.
So frustrating to see almost every time what I could have done differently. To have so many times where I can break the chain (ever done a Behavior Chain Analysis?), and yet choose not to do it because I am so scared and because I hate myself so much.
It’s like everytime I begin to fear something, the fear takes control of me and it happens.
I woke up with a stomach ache today like I do every single day. I felt awful this morning. So I decided I was going to mess up; I ate a piece of toast, then I felt better. I had this thought, “Wow, maybe I just need to eat a piece of buttered toast in the morning to settle my stomach!” And I smiled at this realization. But then I became afraid because I hadn’t planned on eating a piece of toast, so I ate more and more and messed up and ruined everything.
Yes, I can take this lesson and use it tomorrow and I hope to God that I can, but I am tired of learning lessons, I just want to USE the lessons.
I hope tomorrow that no matter what or how much I ate the night before, I can eat a piece of toast to calm my stomach and go on with my day. Isn’t that what normal people do? Eat a few crackers or a piece of toast when they feel nauseous? My mom always says that when someone says their stomach hurts around here… “Oh, do you want me to make you a piece of toast?”. It’s an age-old remedy that we all use. I shouldn’t have a problem with it. Sometimes food is there to help you.
I think I am just almost completely out of stamina for all of this. Like a major physical challenge will beat you down and exhaust you, that is what is happening with my mind. My mind is getting more and more broken, it is just exhausted beyond belief, of thinking, of trying. I want him to come home, I need him, this is destroying me. I am tired of being all alone.
I was so proud of last night. If I would have just eaten my toast, I would have been scared for a couple hours but then taken a shower and got ready and felt proud again. Now I am just disappointed, and the fear each time is compounded.
I didn’t even want this, I just wanted my stomach-ache to go away. And then I let my self-hatred get me again. I got rid of that self-punishment thing for awhile, but now it is back. I don’t know why.
I made this good meal plan, well am using the one I made with the dietician that I saw…and I feel comfortable with it, I keep telling myself that I don’t have to think about anything, I just have to look at that as my guideline and then move on. You know what it says for breakfast? Toast with butter. Why couldn’t I do that? It’s because I hate me so much, that’s why. I can’t ever love myself enough to be patient or kind or just do that.
I guess I am glad I have therapy today. Maybe I won’t think of her as my enemy today. You know, I have know Meredith since I was 18 years old. She is only about 4 years older than me. She was my therapist when I was a freshman in college and she was a graduate student. Then senior year she graduated and went to work in Maryland or something. And last March I found her name again and saw she was back in the Denver area. So I called her and here we are together again.
My boyfriend keeps saying he is worried about me, I don’t like that. It means something is really wrong. He is usually Mr. Optimist, encouraging and hopeful.
I feel like this will pass, sometimes I just wake up one day and it has passed. But when it passes, I can’t fall down the hole again. That is the key. I have to keep my head above water. If I get the chance to get on a good track and gain back my confidence, I HAVE to stay there. I can’t do things wrong again like Saturday night.
I have just lost my spirit again (body still gone). Last year I said I lost my body (my nerve disease), then my spirit, then my mind (when I went to the mental hospital). I feel like I have totally lost my spirit again and my mind is close behind. I mean that my spirit and my mind are just exhausted and afraid and I have very little left to give to keep going. It’s so far away to next Spring.
I have lost my faith in God too. I don’t feel Him around. I feel alone. I try to listen but what if I can’t do things by myself? (which is obviously what is happening) I have to take the bus all the way to therapy and then go to my mom’s aunt’s for dinner. I am scared, scared of everything. I just pray so much that tomorrow I can wake up and have coffee and swim and feel okay. That then I won’t judge my body, my head will be above water, I will work hard and count down each hour until I can sleep, using DBT skills to get through each minute. I will count down each hour until he comes home, I don’t care anymore. If that is what makes it bearable, then that is what I will do.
I remember once two years ago when this downward spiral started again, I told him on the phone, “I am broken.” And he said, “Just wait until I get there and we will put you back together.” He was gone to Virginia then. He came and got me and we went to Tennessee. Now I am waiting again, but it’s so much longer and I am so much more broken. But I know we are stronger than ever and everything will be okay when he is home with me. Please can I just be strong in EACH individual moment, using DBT, counting down each hour until then. “It’s 4 o’clock. Just be strong and make it until 5 o’clock.” And on and on. I think I can do that. And all I have to eat is what it says on that piece of paper, and then I have to turn my mind away, and breathe. And count again. And then sleep.