Yesterday I wrote this: “life isn’t necessarily good, you have to fight for it to be good”, and I like the (2) comments I received liking that statement. 😉 I have kept it in my mind today.
I think a lot of my problem (and perhaps for a lot of Americans) is that I do expect everything to be great all the time, so that I am constantly disappointed. I am constantly trying to work on something I learned last fall, something the Buddhists say, that “life is pain, but life without acceptance of this is what causes suffering”. That is the hard truth. I guess sometimes I like a challenge…and thinking of the world in this way, that I have to fight for what I want (and part of that fight is learning to deal positively with pain, to feel it, not numb it out, to love myself through it), makes me more determined. Does this make any sense? I know what I am trying to say but it’s hard to put into words.
Today my boyfriend told me, “I admire you so much because you never give up.” I think I give up on everything. But I think he meant that I never give up on life or my fight against my mental illness. Literally, on life sometimes. I don’t see that much; I think I fail so much. But he constantly says he is proud of how I have grown over the last year. I love it when he tells me I am brave, it just makes me feel brave or at least feel determined to be brave.
To me now, the most important thing in the world is not that everything is perfect, but that I deal with all of the challenges without bulimia. Bulimia makes me feel NOT ALIVE. It feels so powerful to me to just feel emotions and be strong, I will take that over anything, even if I never accomplish anything else in this world.
My downfall today was that I weighed myself, even though I felt GREAT this morning since sticking to my gluten-free lifestyle the last couple days. I felt happy and calm. Then I decided to verify my happiness by stepping on the scale and I didn’t like what I saw and it went downhill from there. Strangely, I turned on the bathtub to purge and my scale was in the bathtub (where I hide it, behind the curtain). Now it is destroyed since it got drowned in water, how’s that for a sign?! 😉
I am moving forward so much with just feeling calm in my body and not needing that now in general. A lot of my fear about gaining weight with my nerve disorder inhibiting most exercise has dissipated. I have weighed the same for over two years. This is how I am supposed to be. The only thing that has changed is that I have more body fat now that I don’t exercise two plus hours a day (I miss that, truly, but since I didn’t eat enough to fuel it, I felt not-so-good). The only time I gain weight is when I binge and purge, or binge in general. And I just despise that and the desire to do it is going away more and more. I want to feel alive more than anything, like I said.
I am still tortured by not being able to exercise as much as I want beyond short swims using only my arms (and those get limited because the nerves in my arms get pinched too), but that is being I LOVE exercise more than anything, always have. But I have to be thankful for swimming and for my short walks around the block. I love them.
I have decided to go ahead with pursuing a diagnosis again.
I haven’t been to a doctor about my idiopathic nerve disorder since May. But I am really frustrated again and have decided to try to bug them to explore a few more tests and possibilities. I hate going in there, but I have to try again. I am just started to get scared about how it is hard to move my hands sometimes, which comes and goes. So much of my struggles (and why my bulimia started up again in general) are due to this, both from fear of the unknown and frustration at losing so many outlets for my anxiety and losing things I enjoy doing. I just have to try a little more.
I am so strapped for money though – why I still haven’t gone to see an acupuncturist yet. I have had some job interview opportunities lately though finally. But to tell you the truth: I am terrified to work again. I am torn between wanting something to do and get out of the house, and by wanting to limit my stress (physically and mentally) when I am already so overwhelmed.
I think if I could drive it would be a totally different story, I get so anxious (panic attacks sometimes) about having to ride the bus. I am afraid I will get lost and then be unable to walk where I need to get. And it takes SO long to get anywhere in general, twice as long as it would take driving. This limits the area to where I will apply to jobs in general. I got a job offer as a receptionist at a vet clinic, which I would love, but it was literally in the worst area of town ever (and I am no wimp about these things). I would have accepted if I could drive there, but there was no way I would wait for the bus on that street after dark this winter. I didn’t know how bad it was until I went to the interview.
I wish I could work from home. That is why I applied for disability. But I was denied, found out a few weeks ago. I am so confused about all of my disability rights. – for jobs and school and everything. I wish I could have an ADA advocate to ask questions to. Maybe I need to do more research on that. My other option is to get a handicapped addition to my car so I can drive with my hands and don’t have to push the pedals. In case you are wondering, I can drive really short distances (about half a mile – to my pool which is fortunately close and to the gas station), but driving longer than that is extremely painful and my feet go numb so isn’t exactly safe. Plus, I drive with my left foot because it’s less painful than my right and my doctor recently informed me that that is illegal…
I have no idea how much that would cost though, probably more than my old car is worth.
Will update on all this disability rights stuff.
Wow, I am blabbing. I don’t compare myself to other blogs anymore, but I still often feel as though I am writing to an audience and don’t know what to focus my blog on. Maybe that is the organizer in me too.
On a funny note: this guy I used to date (and that I also went through middle school and high school with) called me today. He is applying for a job with a nearby city’s police department and had to list every girl he had ever dated on his background check paperwork. Isn’t that crazy? So he called me to warn me they might be calling me to ask me questions about him. I thought it was so odd they would do that. Fortunately, we were always friends so I have nothing bad to say about him, but what about other exes he has?
If you stuck through all that, hope you are having a wonderful September so far.
PS – I CANNOT WAIT to go swimming tomorrow! After today, I am just looking forward to my cup of coffee in the morning and how great I will feel during and after swimming.
What lesson have you learned lately?