Brave girl

Wow, I have been surprised the last couple days by how many bloggers are claiming fall as their favorite season or just giving it shout-out’s in general. Summer is definitely my favorite (May to July especially), but I do love early fall like this and all of the other bloggers’ support for it is pumping me up! That’s good, trust me, then I won’t start getting depressed about how we are moving toward winter. It’s all about enjoying the moment, right?!

Guys, in doing some research lately, I find I really identify with this term emetophobia. Yes, I know that this word technically means “fear of vomiting”, but I have read studies that broaden the meaning to “fear of being sick”, since these two fears are rooted in the same thing and have the same manifestations. I definitely suffer from this. I had a relapse with my eating disorder two and a half years ago because I was getting sick all the time and struggling with GI issues every single day. I stopped eating because everytime I ate, I felt sick. I still struggle with this to this day, and the eating disorder has morphed to add back in the body image, control of anxiety causes as well (that it originally started with). I am feeling so much better eating dairy-free and gluten-free (not always because I think fibro still whips your digestive system and body anyway to some extent). I have recently just had to accept how really more sensitive to dairy, and especially, gluten, I am (like I can’t eat ANY). So I am trying to conquer the fear that grips me about feeling sick from eating a little at a time by trusting in this gluten-free, dairy-free lifestyle and COMMITTING to it forever.

My doctor said recently, “yeah, the gluten-free thing is a big trend right now”. This annoyed me. Although it is true, I can’t let my trend-annoyance tendencies (and people’s subsequent judgment’s that I am following a trend) stop me from feeling well. I deserve to feel well.

I do think a lot of people feel better on a gluten-free diet, even if they aren’t intolerant, because gluten-free foods contain virtually no preservatives (since many preservatives contain gluten and also because they are typically made in smaller, local facilities committed to healthy living). So it makes sense that a lot of people try it and feel better. A lot of times I think that I am intolerant to many food chemicals (with the natural over-sensitivity to everything under the sun that comes with fibromyalgia) – as in the almond butter/traditional peanut butter thing – so maybe this is also why I feel better. I personally think it is both for me, and I am trying not to care. If I don’t have to spend every day, all day feeling sick….if I don’t avoid eating because I am afraid of getting sick…if I don’t purge because I feel sick…then who cares? I can be a human being again, I can feel alive!

I can hear my future mother-in-law being annoying about this already, but I am trying not to think about that! I am going to make up that I am allergic to wheat or something (I knoooow this is a very different thing, but if I feel too tired to explain what gluten is, the difference between Celiac’s and gluten intolerance, why I KNOW I have to do this, and how it is not a diet she should jump on, then this is going to be my back-up plan.)

I guess if medicine/research has shown these intolerances to exist, why shouldn’t we test it for ourselves individually and end years of chronic illness?! And try to focus on the positive – more gluten-free products and restaurant dishes!

For breakfast, I made a sandwich out of these three ingredients: Almond Butter, GF bread from Colorado Springs’ “Out of the Breadbox”, and jelly. This is by far the best GF bread I have tried yet, no weird texture. I just wish I didn’t have to stick it in the freezer soon. I like this company’s GF breads in general, but this one is the best. Tastes like real bread! And not too dense like some brown rice breads are.

Yes, I write my name on all of my gluten-free stuff. My dad would totally reach into the fridge, grab bread without looking and make a sandwich. He would do the same with my gf beer if I didn’t mark it all over, trust me. 🙂

I also had a cup of coffee and one of these:

I planned on just having the Larabar and coffee but was still really hungry!

Okay – just a little Q and A:

  1. Something I am worrying about: I don’t tell people this, but I am having a lot of trouble moving my hands sometimes and it’s really scary. Also having, less often, just muscle weakness in my legs. With the hands, it’s like I have to think extra hard to type and move them and have trouble with fine-motor tasks. It is a really scary thing. With my legs, sometimes I am just conscious of something just feeling not right. My hands get worse the days I swim and the more I do things – like my feet with walking. Sometimes I am just gripped with terror. But I try to do the same thing: live in the moment and be brave. I know I should back to the doctor soon – I have sort of boycotted them since May because they don’t know what’s going on with me and some have seemed unwilling to help. I got sick of going into more debt for nothing. But I should probably have this documented. I wish so much I had enough money to get the test for the disease they think I have – but it costs $800! I am hoping this fall to get it – I just want to KNOW, no matter what it is.
  2. Something I am proud of: I was going to mess up this morning because I was hungry and scared to eat something because I was scared of feeling sick (see above topic). But I made coffee, which usually slows my appetite down a little bit, and thought about how I have a job interview on Tuesday (!!!). I thought, if I have something to DO after breakfast, I can do this a normal way…AND I will HAVE to do this a normal way if I get this job. And that is what I want most in this work, to be able to be busy again, to be independent, to work hard, to have a regular schedule. Well, I am starting the practice for that NOW. I also thought, I can eat just my gluten-free stuff and I will be okay. I actually don’t like almond butter that much always, it’s a little too sweet for me, but honestly, I feel SO much better after eating it than I do after eating regular Kroger-brand peanut butter (although that is delicious). I think from fibro, my stomach and body are just SO sensitive to any chemical additives – a common thing I hear. So now I feel fine, good even. That is what I am always trying to achieve, eat things that make you feel good after you eat them. Now I am going to go swimming and have a regular day, a strong day, a brave day.
  3. Something I am excited for: My job interview. It is so good that I am finally getting interviews lately! (Knock on wood!) It will be super hard for me to adjust to working again (it has been two long years), but I need it so much. If I can just push through and keep my fear & stress at bay by remembering why I want to work so bad (independence, getting to move into my own place again this winter, being busy, confidence, a sense of worth), I CAN DO IT! I have done it once before and I can do it again. And I value it so much more now. 

What are you worried about, proud of, and excited for today?

I TRULY WISH YOU A HAPPY LABOR DAY WEEKEND! I LOVE LABOR DAY WEEKEND! Even though I don’t work, it is such a beautiful time of year. Yes, I am obsessed with the weather and the outdoors (I live in Colorado, what can I say).


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