It really does feel like Fall today. For such a summer-lover, I also love the month of September. I would love to get married around Labor Day weekend.
Things I like about Fall:
- I feel more peaceful.
- Hot tea
- Cool mornings, warm days
- Memories – Fall makes me so nostalgic for some reason.
I drank too much wine last night. I just got goofy watching Jersey Shore with my sister I guess, lol. But I am going to go swimming in a minute, I am feeling better after laying here for awhile.
Man I want to start eating cleaner! But I also want to stop thinking about food. There is much, much more to life than food. So I am going to push it out of my head until I am in the moment of hunger and then remember why I want to make the right choice. I am also going to work this weekend on differentiating anxiety and hunger.
I struggle so much with guilt. Actually, I would have called it guilt in the past but now I would just call it indecision or second-guessing. It’s like – I don’t want to keep seeing myself as eating-disordered forever. I feel like in treatment they say over and over, ‘Recovery isn’t perfect’, but yet they honestly expect it to be. I hate that second-guessing of your motives they do. It makes my brain spin. I have done the best in my life when I say I don’t care about all that and I am just me, and I am just going to live. That is what I want to achieve before Thailand and during and after. I am so sick of thinking about all that stuff.
Yesterday I felt so much sadness. I did mess up, but I also felt it (DBT-style). I was so tearful and just felt profoundly sad about missing my boyfriend. I don’t think many people understand how incredibly hard his deployment is on me. So many things about his Army life have literally nearly destroyed me. But I love him so much. I think I was also feeling hopeless worrying about how long it would take for us to get engaged. This totally shows my insecurities because he tells me how much he wants to marry me all the time. I just don’t want to have to wait longer than I want to for that to happen. I want to know all of this pain will be over in some way when he gets home and I don’t have to be scared anymore. Hard to explain; I feel like I am not making any sense. But yesterday I wrote him a random, coded e-mail about this because I was so frustrated about the unknown. He called me and said that he understood what I was saying and that he would never abuse my love by just being content with how things are when he knows that is not what I want. How amazing he understood that, huh?
I NEED to use my DBT skills more. I am going to read through my book this weekend and reflect on everything I learned last fall again. I can’t believe that was only a year ago.
I need to work on:
- As always, Radical Acceptance: that I have fibromyalgia, that I have this nerve disorder on top of that, that my love is not home right now, that the only way to get out of this hole is to work my ass off to get in to pharmacy school (and that I can’t let fear of failure hold me back).
- DEEP BREATHING when I am anxious, overwhelmed, panicked, restless, not thinking clearly, and at night when I can’t sleep – instead of negative coping behaviors. God, I want this more than anything.
Remember, DBT builds confidence, confidence that I can cope. I need that! I am re-reading my book. I CAN cope positively!