I am going to see the ocean

Well guys, I made a decision today…

As I said before, my family is going to my grandma’s vacation/beach house in San Diego on Saturday. I was not planning to go. Although they go every summer, I have not been for 4 years.

I swore off family vacations three years ago after a trip to Montana to see my cousins. This all has a lot to do with my general anxiety about travelling, which in the past was ridiculous because I could walk and escape anywhere I wanted to – – – why didn’t I take advantage of all of that before I lost it? Ah, the lessons God teaches us in being thankful and appreciating what we have.

So, to get to the point, I decided to go to San Diego today. We leave in two days. I found a ticket cheaper than my family, to the annoyance of my mom, haha. Sometimes that happens on spontaneous trips but not that often.

I am really scared. But not as scared as I would be here all by myself, stuck in this house because I am unable to drive.

I am going to go in the ocean, even if it hurts.

I am going to walk on the bay.

I am going to try riding the beach bike even if it hurts, maybe go for a ten minute ride in the morning as a routine instead of my swim.

I am going to take lots of Aleve and pain meds. 😉

What am I scared of?

  • I am scared of not being able to do my swims. It feels like I won’t be able to exercise. But you know what? Swimming for 15 minutes like a snail using only my arms isn’t really exercise anyway. It’s just my routine. And I can make a new routine.
  • I am scared of having to eat around my family. But would I rather stay here in this binge/purge cycle? Emphatically, No! It will force me to get on a normal plan. I will not have any opportunities to do ‘that’. I will really only have to eat dinner with them. I can do what I want in the day, and it will be so much more normal than what I do alone here all day.
  • I am scared of feeling sad that I can’t run on the beach, walk for miles on the boardwalk, go deep into the waves and swim, and feel pain walking on the sand. Some of these things, I am going to try anyway. Beyond that, I will be more sad to miss out on dipping my toes in the water, sitting in it, going on mini-walks on the boardwalk, going to the zoo (San Diego zoo is the BEST ever – trust me, I am a freak about zoos and visit one in every single city I ever travel to, it is my thing), feeling the sea breeze and smelling the salty air.

In general, I am tired of feeling dead, not alive, scared, self-doubting. I am going to go. I am going to go to pharmacy school too. For all the times I think about suicide (sorry to be blunt), it doesn’t make sense to not just enjoy things while I am here. So I am going to go. I am going to do what I want to do there and ignore my sisters. I can study there, I can be with my dad. Sometimes changing the scenery is enough to change things. Sometimes this can go in reverse too, make things worse, but how can they really get any worse? What do I have to lose? I know what could make it worse and I am not going to do that there. I am going to shock myself into reality.

I am feeling happy right now that I just got to talk to my boyfriend on skype! So thankful for modern communication to be able to talk to him so much while he’s deployed.

Also started taking Valerian capsules, an herbal anxiety remedy. I used to drink the tea but the capsules work a lot better (and don’t taste so bad). I recommend these as an alternative to benzo’s. Disclaimer to of course check with your doctor. Of course I didn’t because I think I am a smarty-pants pre-pharmacy student. Oh, I make myself laugh. But I do my research. They can theoretically interact with some things though, just to put that out there for other people.

I have to remember: San Diego and being around my family really won’t be that different from here, except that it will keep me on my toes. Being annoyed by my family happens here all the time, I will just go down to the beach (a block away!) when I need a break, like I walk to the school a block away here.

Thank you for all of your support!

Do you have trouble with travel or a change in your routine? What holds you back?

Are you going on any trips this summer? Or have you already?

Do you get sick of your family too? Man do I! But as my mom said, we are all adults now and can opt out of any activities we want. Means I don’t have to go to Disneyland with my sisters (age 19 and 23). I hate theme parks. No, I have never been to Disneyland, but I still judge it. But I refuse to go, and my children can go with their aunts because I will never take them. Why do you want to drive over an hour to stand in lines for $80?


2 thoughts on “I am going to see the ocean

  1. This is so exciting! I know that it sounds and feels very overwhelming, but I hope you are able to enjoy yourself. I love San Diego! I think it is a great strategy to write down your fears and work through them.

    I definitely have a hard time with changes to my routine. I worry about what I will eat and when I will eat and what I will do if what I want to eat it isn’t available… but I think I have said before that I think it is important to break out of those routines and discover that I can, in fact, handle the changes. It may not be easy, but I can survive!

    We went to the beach about a month ago. At the end of August we are going to Buffalo, NY. And I definitely get tired of my family! We do well with short visits!

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