Goodbye Guilt

Today I no longer feel guilty or ashamed for:

  • Only taking the medication I want to take, even psychiatrically. Doctors say you should use your voice and ask questions about medication and side effects. They only mean this for physical medications, trust me. Psychiatrists don’t like this. I no longer care. Fortunately, I have found a semi-good one that kind of doesn’t like this, but does work with me. I like the plan I have with my medication for now. It’s as good as it’s going to get.
  • For calling the dietician and saying I don’t want to come back for awhile.
  • For calling my therapist and saying I want to come LESS often because that will help force me to do things on my own and gain confidence. Neither of these last two things means I don’t have a committment to myself, I am not going to go into more debt right now by using money I don’t have for extra treatment.
  • For feeling bitter… can you tell? 😉
  • For leaving my library book in the rain last night
  • For sleeping all morning
  • For doing what feels safe for me in each moment.
  • For my intelligence coming off as arrogance when I get angry
  • For knowing I am not going to eat breakfast tomorrow
  • For walking around the block even if it hurts
  • For eating a peanut butter sandwich a little while ago
  • For living at home and wanting nothing more than to volunteer and study right now
  • For the money my boyfriend sends me each month to pay for my medicine
  • For walking barefoot
  • For eating half the loaf of bread a couple days ago that my mom was saving for dinner tonight
  • For being unemloyed
  • For having no appetite in the summer
  • For not eating dairy
  • For trying not to eat wheat gluten because it might make me feel better
  • For not eating dinner with my family
  • For caring what I look like

I still feel guilty for being lazy today. It’s starting to hit me right now. I feel guilty I didn’t go swim and get back on track today. Why? Because swimming makes me feel good. It’s what I NEED to do to manage my mood and feel healthy and be able to handle my emotions and stress. I NEED to do it for myself. I feel guilty that I didn’t love myself enough to go, that I was doing that self-punishment thing. But I am going to go on a walk right now. And I am going to just stay in the moment and do whatever tonight and push myself again tomorrow with swimming and studying and finding a volunteer job.

Moral of the Story: I am going to do what I NEED TO DO to manage my mental health. I need to swim and do my same routine each day. I need to stop whining and just do it.

I keep thinking – – – Sometimes certain things just suck. You have to RADICALLY ACCEPT them (my favorite DBT skill). You just have to say, “This is how it is. You can’t change it. Just let it be there and move on.” Sometimes, the more you fight things, the more you resist, the worse the emotion or situation becomes. This skill works so well for me. But I forget it so fast. That’s normal. You have to accept things over and over and over sometimes.

Today I want to radically accept:

  • That I have a nerve disorder. I cannot walk, run, play, or move like I once could. I may never be able to again. This does not make me lazy. In fact, I still DO a lot of things, just in a different way. Instead of long runs, I do activity in short bursts, but over and over all day. I swim for 20 minutes. I go on mini-walks (10 minutes long is about the limit). But I do that three times a day – how is that different than the half an hour walk per day that I used to do? My mind warps that. And I move around the house, I am really always DOING something, I don’t relax much like always. I just do many short things instead of fewer long things. And I guess while my activity level is down some, its good for me. I was over-exercising before. Now I feel more balanced. I DO wish I could do more. But I am THANKFUL I can do so much more than last fall! Therefore, I really don’t have to worry so much about my body. My weight stays the same, it stays what it wants to stay at. I do look a little different than a year ago, I look less toned. But if I eat well and don’t have all these up’s and down’s, I will feel okay. And I have to accept myself as I am NOW.
  • I radically accept that my boyfriend is in Afghanistan. Sometimes I do okay with this, sometimes not. But I want to focus on the exciting things we have planned for when he gets home!
  • I accept that I don’t have a job and that I live at home. It makes me feel worthless, but I am lucky that I have been able to take care of things in the past year and that I know where I am going now — PCAT!

Lastly, I want to focus on the fact that > > > I am more normal than I think I am. I want to push all of these sick thoughts away and just be me.

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3 thoughts on “Goodbye Guilt

  1. This is really a fantastic entry. I believe that no one should ever feel guilty for anything they do in life, life is too short to feel guilty. It is always a struggle dealing with any disorder, mental or physical, and takes time to readjust your life. but it really seems like your taking steps in the right direction =)
    Good luck with everything.

  2. As someone who feels guilty about everything it is great to see someone else battling their guilt.

    I thrive on a routine! Without it I feel lost. Sometimes I feel guilty for this but most of the time I just accept by Type A personality.

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