Just me

Even though I just messed something up, I feel at peace right now. I learned a really important lesson tonight. I learned that for me, right now, it’s okay to do what feels safe. I had a way of doing things that was safe in the fall. It wasn’t perfect, but it was so much healthier than I am now. I felt like I had to change what I was doing to be “right” in the eyes of therapists. Now I realize that while that wasn’t perfect, there is no perfect, and I don’t care anymore. The less I think about this stuff, the better I do. The more I just do my DBT skills and listen to myself and sometimes just take the safe route (comfortable, not dangerous, comfortable), the better I do right now. I don’t have a job, or a career (yet), I can’t drive or walk well, my boyfriend is in Afghanistan. How much do these people expect me to give? I am going back to how I did things in the fall, except better because I have grown in a lot of ways since then. When I get in to pharmacy school and when B. gets home, THEN I will change things. Right now I just want to eat my foods, not binge and purge (which is only happening now because I push myself too hard) and realize that I am really vulnerable and fragile right now. Besides bingeing and purging, I am OKAY. I have my issues, but I am NOT going to fix all of them right now. In fact, I am going to stop thinking about them and eat my smoothies and salads and peanut butter sandwiches with soy milk. If that is what it takes to keep me alive and b/p-free, then that is all I care right now. I just want to feel safe. And not worthless. And not scared. I want to be in control of my own life. I am okay living here and studying. I am okay eating my big snack before bed and having smoothies for breakfast. I am okay napping or racing around cleaning just to get my mind off things. I can handle life that way. And that is all I am going to do. Without him here, I can’t push any harder. And I don’t care anymore. I am satisfied with the status quo right now. There will come a time, professionally & socially, when that won’t be true, but right now it is. I am safe here, I am comfortable; but I am alone and I have given all I have to give for now. Now, I am just going to be me.

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One thought on “Just me

  1. It is way too overwhelming to try to solve everything at once. I hope you find you are able to take care of yourself by doing this. If it doesn’t work out, that’s okay too. We can always keep trying until something works!

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