Just me

Even though I just messed something up, I feel at peace right now. I learned a really important lesson tonight. I learned that for me, right now, it’s okay to do what feels safe. I had a way of doing things that was safe in the fall. It wasn’t perfect, but it was so much healthier than I am now. I felt like I had to change what I was doing to be “right” in the eyes of therapists. Now I realize that while that wasn’t perfect, there is no perfect, and I don’t care anymore. The less I think about this stuff, the better I do. The more I just do my DBT skills and listen to myself and sometimes just take the safe route (comfortable, not dangerous, comfortable), the better I do right now. I don’t have a job, or a career (yet), I can’t drive or walk well, my boyfriend is in Afghanistan. How much do these people expect me to give? I am going back to how I did things in the fall, except better because I have grown in a lot of ways since then. When I get in to pharmacy school and when B. gets home, THEN I will change things. Right now I just want to eat my foods, not binge and purge (which is only happening now because I push myself too hard) and realize that I am really vulnerable and fragile right now. Besides bingeing and purging, I am OKAY. I have my issues, but I am NOT going to fix all of them right now. In fact, I am going to stop thinking about them and eat my smoothies and salads and peanut butter sandwiches with soy milk. If that is what it takes to keep me alive and b/p-free, then that is all I care right now. I just want to feel safe. And not worthless. And not scared. I want to be in control of my own life. I am okay living here and studying. I am okay eating my big snack before bed and having smoothies for breakfast. I am okay napping or racing around cleaning just to get my mind off things. I can handle life that way. And that is all I am going to do. Without him here, I can’t push any harder. And I don’t care anymore. I am satisfied with the status quo right now. There will come a time, professionally & socially, when that won’t be true, but right now it is. I am safe here, I am comfortable; but I am alone and I have given all I have to give for now. Now, I am just going to be me.


One thought on “Just me

  1. It is way too overwhelming to try to solve everything at once. I hope you find you are able to take care of yourself by doing this. If it doesn’t work out, that’s okay too. We can always keep trying until something works!

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )


Connecting to %s