Good things today:
- Studied lots of Biology for the PCAT. I am SO excited about pharmacy school. I am enjoying studying, I don’t feel so worthless and I feel like I am finally working towards one of my life dreams. I worry about getting in, but I am trying to transfer all of that worrying energy into studying and have CONFIDENCE! I just refuse to let that worry enter my mind.
- It’s not tomorrow yet, but I have used a lot of DBT skills today to get me out of the darkness of yesterday: ABC (studying – accumlates positives, building mastery and coping ahead); Opposite Action (I did not want to get out of bed this morning, the depression and fear was still consuming me. But I did, I made myself go swimming. I was trying to go to church first but I was so late that I just headed straight to the pool. And as usual, it turned my mood around); Wise Mind ACCEPTS (aka distraction techniques – PCAT, crossword puzzles, CLEANING, mini-walks); deep breathing
- Basically, I have used my WISE MIND a lot today.
- Getting excited about going to Thailand to see my boyfriend. I CAN’T WAIT to see him. Only three months away! He is so amazing and good to me.
I started filling out my food log worksheets for her today. It is interesting to really think about what I feel before, during, right after, and a couple hours after eating. I feel a lot of fear, especially a lot of fear about HOW I am going to feel after – – – in terms of sickness and more anxiety.
She is letting me do intuitive eating and I feel comfortable with my meal plan. We are working on normalizing eating times as a primary goal. And stopping my binge/purge behavior and trusting myself to maintain weight. I really don’t eat much during the day because I get so anxious and it makes me feel worthless (like I equate hunger with working hard on something – this has gotten worse and worse since being unemployed). This is my main challenge. I am so motivated not to binge/purge but that has entirely different triggers, like feeling sick and emotional things. But I know I have to put these two things together in order to stop. I just really liked her and I feel really safe and as comfortable as I can with her.
I see her again Thursday…how I am going to afford that I don’t know but she convinced me.
So my goals this week are:
- To try to at least hit breakfast and dinner at normal times, plus my bedtime snack. I typically eat dinner and another whole meal before bed. I just eat most of my food at the end of the day because that’s when I feel less stressed. I know it really doesn’t help my GI stuff though!
- The other type of day I have is b/p days. I really want to minimize that as much as possible. And I must stay ahead of the game, not get that drowning feeling where I have to dig out of the hole! By this I mean, if I mess up once, don’t let it suck me in for the whole day!
- Use as many DBT skills as possible and develop an after-meal ritual to calm down.
I LOVE SUMMER! The weather is amazing lately, and it just fills my soul with joy. 🙂
Question: So my boyfriend’s mom wants me to come visit her in Seattle soon. Actually, she has been inviting me to come out since March. I really want to go and see her but I get really nervous travelling too. I know it is really just my anxiety, mostly about my physical limitations, and to some extent my eating disorder, that is holding me back. I do want to see her though, I miss his family. Any advice? I just get panicky thinking about it. It will be hard enough for me to go all the way to Thailand in October but I will have my boyfriend there to support me.
Thank you everyone for your support yesterday!