A professional I like

Good things today:

  • Studied lots of Biology for the PCAT. I am SO excited about pharmacy school. I am enjoying studying, I don’t feel so worthless and I feel like I am finally working towards one of my life dreams. I worry about getting in, but I am trying to transfer all of that worrying energy into studying and have CONFIDENCE! I just refuse to let that worry enter my mind.
  • It’s not tomorrow yet, but I have used a lot of DBT skills today to get me out of the darkness of yesterday: ABC (studying – accumlates positives, building mastery and coping ahead); Opposite Action (I did not want to get out of bed this morning, the depression and fear was still consuming me. But I did, I made myself go swimming. I was trying to go to church first but I was so late that I just headed straight to the pool. And as usual, it turned my mood around); Wise Mind ACCEPTS (aka distraction techniques – PCAT, crossword puzzles, CLEANING, mini-walks); deep breathing
  • Basically, I have used my WISE MIND a lot today.
  • Getting excited about going to Thailand to see my boyfriend. I CAN’T WAIT to see him. Only three months away! He is so amazing and good to me.

Dietician stuff:

I started filling out my food log worksheets for her today. It is interesting to really think about what I feel before, during, right after, and a couple hours after eating. I feel a lot of fear, especially a lot of fear about HOW I am going to feel after – – – in terms of sickness and more anxiety.

She is letting me do intuitive eating and I feel comfortable with my meal plan. We are working on normalizing eating times as a primary goal. And stopping my binge/purge behavior and trusting myself to maintain weight. I really don’t eat much during the day because I get so anxious and it makes me feel worthless (like I equate hunger with working hard on something – this has gotten worse and worse since being unemployed). This is my main challenge. I am so motivated not to binge/purge but that has entirely different triggers, like feeling sick and emotional things. But I know I have to put these two things together in order to stop. I just really liked her and I feel really safe and as comfortable as I can with her.

I see her again Thursday…how I am going to afford that I don’t know but she convinced me.

So my goals this week are:

  1. To try to at least hit breakfast and dinner at normal times, plus my bedtime snack. I typically eat dinner and another whole meal before bed. I just eat most of my food at the end of the day because that’s when I feel less stressed. I know it really doesn’t help my GI stuff though!
  2. The other type of day I have is b/p days. I really want to minimize that as much as possible. And I must stay ahead of the game, not get that drowning feeling where I have to dig out of the hole! By this I mean, if I mess up once, don’t let it suck me in for the whole day!
  3. Use as many DBT skills as possible and develop an after-meal ritual to calm down.

I LOVE SUMMER! The weather is amazing lately, and it just fills my soul with joy. 🙂

Question: So my boyfriend’s mom wants me to come visit her in Seattle soon. Actually, she has been inviting me to come out since March. I really want to go and see her but I get really nervous travelling too. I know it is really just my anxiety, mostly about my physical limitations, and to some extent my eating disorder, that is holding me back. I do want to see her though, I miss his family. Any advice? I just get panicky thinking about it. It will be hard enough for me to go all the way to Thailand in October but I will have my boyfriend there to support me.

Thank you everyone for your support yesterday!


One thought on “A professional I like

  1. I say go! I hate traveling, too. Well, I love going places but not when my eating disorder comes along. But I think it can be really helpful sometimes to get out of your environment for a bit and have a different routine. Easy? No. But it is in doing the hard stuff that you make progress in recovery.

    That is awesome to hear how working towards pharmacy school is so motivating for you. Opposite action is such an important thing for me to practice! I have to pretty much do it all day long. Your goals look really great, and I am glad your appointment went so well.

    You can trust your body. You can maintain your weight without binging and purging. You can normalize your eating!

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