Don’t even know

I know I havent posted for a bit. I am drowning here, guys. That is really all I have to say. This is probably the most depressing blog ever, but it’s my outlet sometimes.

I saw a dietician yesterday. I was SO scared for the appointment, but it went so well, it couldn’t have gone better. I was feeling so optimistic and motivated for recovery when I left. Then last night I went out, usually I don’t, and broke my no-drinking rule. I only had one drink and it affected me a lot as usual and I really messed up when I got home.

Then today, I have just been so down, my eating disorder has taken over my life today. My fear has taken hold of me, I feel so broken and don’t know how to fix it. I miss my boyfriend so much. I feel like I can’t follow my meal plan because I get so distraught at every meal and there is no one to talk about it with. I just dwell on the fact that if he was here, he would be my partner in this. I know he still is in theory but it’s not the same as having someone to talk to every night and just hold me when I feel SO scared, more scared than I have ever felt. I just pray tomorrow is a good day, that I can go swimming and not let bingeing and purging control me like today. I started the day off so well and then I have just messed up over and over and done all the wrong things. I feel hopeless. I feel so sad and broken and scared and alone. I want this to be over. My panic attacks are happening every couple hours. I don’t know what to do. I can’t wait for therapy on Monday. I need a ritual for after I eat that is safe, I need to talk to someone. I am so scared, more than ever. Please god can I just make it and feel okay when I wake up tomorrow, can I just have that mysterious shift to hope that happens sometimes. I don’t believe in myself. I just cry and cry and I don’t want to waste my summer and I want my life back. I have lost my faith, I feel like either God isn’t there or I am just not listening, but I don’t know how to listen when I feel so alone. I just want B. to come home and hold me. Please can I get through this.

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6 thoughts on “Don’t even know

  1. Having gone through recovery from an eating disorder, I so wish there was something insightful I could say that would just make everything “click” for you and get better. Honestly, if I hadn’t gone to inpatient, I would probably feel exactly like you are feeling now. I also know that it doesn’t really matter what other people say to you because the eating disorder just pushes it all away anyway until you learn to use the power you have over it. Don’t give up beating it, though. That is the worst thing you can do. If you ever need someone to talk to, you can email me, crisallynn@gmail.com. Just know that someday, even if it’s not today, you will have the strength to fight back. I hope tomorrow is better for you. 🙂

  2. Don’t worry about your blog being ‘depressing.’ It is your space to write what you need to say, okay? I am so glad to hear that your appointment with your dietician went well! It is such a hard battle to face alone. I wish I had some magic answer for you, but I struggle all the time with it, too. Even if you have slipped a lot, you can always get back on track. You can always do the next right thing. When I have a bad morning or let me ED get the best of me at a meal, it is really hard for me to get back on track. I want to throw in the towel and declare the day as ruined. But you can always take back ground for your recovery.

    I can definitely relate to feeling like God isn’t listening. But He wants to heal you. He wants to help you. Sometimes we hear Him best in the midst of our brokenness. It sure as heck isn’t easy, and I am sorry you are in so much pain right now. But there is hope. There is a way out. I haven’t quite found it yet either, but you are stronger than you know. Recovery is possible, and you are worth it.

    Take care…

  3. I can relate to that feeling that God isn’t there, but I’m here to tell you that he absolutely IS! He knows all of your pain, all of your struggles, and is there loving you the entire time. I am praying for you today and sending positive vibes your way!

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