I know I havent posted for a bit. I am drowning here, guys. That is really all I have to say. This is probably the most depressing blog ever, but it’s my outlet sometimes.
I saw a dietician yesterday. I was SO scared for the appointment, but it went so well, it couldn’t have gone better. I was feeling so optimistic and motivated for recovery when I left. Then last night I went out, usually I don’t, and broke my no-drinking rule. I only had one drink and it affected me a lot as usual and I really messed up when I got home.
Then today, I have just been so down, my eating disorder has taken over my life today. My fear has taken hold of me, I feel so broken and don’t know how to fix it. I miss my boyfriend so much. I feel like I can’t follow my meal plan because I get so distraught at every meal and there is no one to talk about it with. I just dwell on the fact that if he was here, he would be my partner in this. I know he still is in theory but it’s not the same as having someone to talk to every night and just hold me when I feel SO scared, more scared than I have ever felt. I just pray tomorrow is a good day, that I can go swimming and not let bingeing and purging control me like today. I started the day off so well and then I have just messed up over and over and done all the wrong things. I feel hopeless. I feel so sad and broken and scared and alone. I want this to be over. My panic attacks are happening every couple hours. I don’t know what to do. I can’t wait for therapy on Monday. I need a ritual for after I eat that is safe, I need to talk to someone. I am so scared, more than ever. Please god can I just make it and feel okay when I wake up tomorrow, can I just have that mysterious shift to hope that happens sometimes. I don’t believe in myself. I just cry and cry and I don’t want to waste my summer and I want my life back. I have lost my faith, I feel like either God isn’t there or I am just not listening, but I don’t know how to listen when I feel so alone. I just want B. to come home and hold me. Please can I get through this.