Roadrunning – keep the faith

One of my favorite songs of all time: Roadrunnin’ by Mark Knopfler and Emmylou Harris. I love Dire Straits and Emmylou, and I love duets!

A million miles our vagabond wheels
Clocked up beneath the clouds
They’re counting down to show time
When we do it for real with the crowds
Air miles are owing but they don’t come for free
And they don’t give you any for pain

But if it’s all for nothing
All the road running’s been in vain

The rim shots come down like cannon-fire
And thunder off the wall
There’s a man in every corner
And each one is giving his all
But this is my piper, this is my drum
So you never will hear me complain
And if it’s all for nothing
All the road running has been in vain

All the road running
All the road running

Well if you’re inclined to go up on the wall
It can only be fast and high
And those who don’t like the danger soon
Find something different to try
And when there is only a ring in your ears
And an echo down memory lane
Then if it’s all for nothing
All the road running’s been in vain

All the road running
All the road running

The show’s packing up, I sit and watch
The carnival leaving town
And there’s no pretending that I’m not a fool
For riding around and around

Like the pictures you keep of your old wall of death
You showed me one time on the plane
But if it’s all for nothing
All the road running has been in vain

I’ve a million miles of vagabond sky
Clocked up above the clouds
And I’m still your man for the roaming
For as long as there’s roaming allowed
There’ll be a rider and there’ll be a wall
As long as the dream remains
And if it’s all for nothing
All the road running has been in vain

All the road running
All the road running

I love this song because my boyfriend and I have had to be apart so much and it always devastates me. This song reminds me that none of this road running will ever be in vain, it will all be worth it when we get to the other side and get to have our lives together and share all of our dreams.

We used to listen to Emmylou a lot when I first met him, in his old apartment, when I was the happiest I’ve ever been. I also listened to Dire Straits a lot when we lived in Virginia, in a hotel room while he was training there. That was a hard time but wonderful too; I felt so glamorous and it was such an adventure.

For some reason, I am having such a hard time with his deployment lately, harder than usual. It was REALLY hard at first, then still hard but I got a little used to things, but lately it has been REALLY hard again. I can’t really figure out why but I am just so lonely and missing him. I had a really hard week last week. I just have to keep fighting and I know everything will be okay when he comes home. I just want to make things better right now, I don’t want to have to suffer so much right now anymore.

I had therapy today, it went okay. I left there in a better mood than when I came in, which is good. But I had so much to talk about and never feel like there is enough time. I think the hardest part of my boyfriend being gone is that I have no one to talk about it with. My family doesn’t really talk about relationships much, so I pretty much just have to deal with it on my own.  He is always there for me though and we support each other.

My friend lives in Indiana and her boyfriend deployed with mine, so we have each other. But we used to talk a lot online in the day and now she got a job so we can’t very much. That has made me feel even lonelier. I am happy for her that she got a job though. Now if only I could too!

I am really having trouble having faith lately. Posting this song helped re-focus that, but it is lacking a lot. For awhile, I was having so much more patience and faith and now I have all that fear and hopelessness again.

PCAT update: I have really begun studying, will be taking it in October and then going to Thailand right after!

I am starting to go through vocab but really don’t expect much trouble on the verbal section.

I also started reviewing all my Biology. It’s actually really fun. I obviously love the subject since it was my major, and it’s an ABC skill – whenever I feel worthless, I just start studying and remember my plan. Plus I get lost in it and stop thinking so much about other things or feeling bored. Then I’ll tackle Chemistry later (which is what I REALLY need to review!).

I really need to get on using my DBT skills this week and keep a more consistent eating and sleeping schedule. With a little work, I can do sleeping, but eating is hard. I just have to commit to eating more in the day sometimes, even though I hate it and don’t have an appetite during the day, then I will be able to sleep better and stay more even and not get so hungry at night. I don’t even mean to do that usually, I just don’t get hungry during the day because I am so anxious. But it is a bad cycle.

My arm is feeling a lot better so I am going to get my routine back in action too. The more consistent I am with all of this stuff, the less up’s and down’s I will have. Some things will be hard but not nearly as hard as dealing with the repercussions. I HAVE TO REMEMBER THAT (pro’s and con’s!). My eating is the HARDEST part to keep consistent, but also most influences my mood swings.

Notes from therapy today:

  1. Remember eating more in the day leads to less night eating —>less stomach aches—> less mess-ups later.
  2. Have a morning routine every day.
  3. Imagine with B. would say since I can’t talk to him as much as I want when I get in a hard spot. Also can write him e-mails or talk to him out loud (yeah, sounds a little crazy but it works).
  4. Don’t take K. in the day anymore because it throws off my sleep schedule.
  5. Use PCAT studying for ABC
  6. Smoothie for breakfast, make the night before and put in freezer. Have dinner with family and have mom bring to my room if I can’t.
  7. Keep practicing TIP skills and all skills! Use skill chart!

QUESTION: If you are in therapy, does you worry about your therapist liking you? I worry about that so much, and it is really ridiculous considering I spend so much money to go there. Today I am worried about it because I was assertive and said I didn’t want to talk about my medication in there because I didn’t want to waste time on it and would rather just talk about it with my psychiatrist (makes sense right?!). She was fine with that but I worry I came off as rude. I just worry about everything…sigh.

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5 thoughts on “Roadrunning – keep the faith

  1. Best wishes; I’m stopping in for the first time and just want to encourage you and thank you for your honesty in this post. I have gone through a couple counselors and finally found the right one but honesty and trying to be transparent about things is key. I totally worry about hurting their feelings haha it should be silly right? but it’s sad that it’s this way
    Katherine

  2. I definitely worry about my therapist liking me! Sometimes I feel like I am letting her down when I am having a hard time. But in reality, that is completely backwards. She is there to support me during those times, not judge me. And as far as therapy goes, I think if anyone can understand and be sympathetic about assertiveness, it is definitely a therapist! She is probably proud of you for asking for what you need.

    Your notes from therapy look really helpful! It sounds like you have a good plan. I’m sorry things are so hard with your boyfriend being gone. But I don’t think it sounds crazy to ‘talk’ to him when you are by yourself!

  3. I worry about everybody liking me…I can’t stand it when I get the cold shoulder from anyone, including the random yoga teacher I had today. This is a major shortcoming of mine because I fixate on it and can’t let it go and wonder what is wrong with me. So stupid, right?

    I’m sorry your boyfriend’s deployment is so hard. I can imagine how difficult it must be. Blog friends are really good at understanding things that family can’t. You should definitely talk to us!

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