I am so sick of this crushing anxiety. It is so disabling. I am so sick of living with my family. I know I should be thankful to live here, and I am thankful to have a nice place to stay, but when too many people are around, I just can’t BREATHE. My stomach feels all tight and I can’t breathe. I don’t know how to explain it. It’s like I am ultra-sensitive to every little thing everyone is doing or thinking or just their general presence, and I am utterly incapable of relaxing when there are all these people around. I want to just be able to CHOOSE when I want to be alone or when I want to be around people. It is my dream to have my own apartment, just by myself. I feel like I will never get there.
I am freaking out right now because I didn’t want to go out of my room to get dinner. But I was hungry so I went out there and my parents just started saying all the wrong things that I didn’t want to hear today. I am frustrated because my gluten-free & dairy-free experiment is working so well but we don’t have all the supplies I need here. I feel guilty asking my mom to buy them because they are expensive. I feel awkward about it too, really self-conscious that I have to ask for something I need. So I made myself a sandwich that is NOT GF and I was going to just eat it and accept feeling sick. Then my mom had to comment on why I was eating that instead of my GF bread and I said I was trying to ration out my GF bread because its expensive. So she brought me a plate of chicken and corn-on-the-cob that they are having for dinner. That was nice, but now I have two things in my room and I can’t decide what to eat and I don’t want it in here. I hate decisions so much. I just want to eat something and get it over with, I hate eating anyway. The thing is, I WANT my sandwich. But I am afraid I will feel sick after I eat it. I just hate this. If I lived all by myself, this wouldn’t happen. I could have what I need without feeling self-conscious or guilty.
I wish my boyfriend was here, he would know what to do. He would hold me. I feel like I have to do all of this all alone. When no one was home, I was resting all day and it felt RESTFUL. When everyone came home tonight, it started to feel suffocating to be in my room because I feel trapped in here because there is no where else to go to escape them. So I am getting a panic attack because I feel so trapped in here.
Sometimes this is just my journal now and I need to get stuff out. I just have so much anxiety lately that I can’t breathe EVER, or sleep, or do anything. It went away for awhile. I mean I always have an anxiety problem but it was so much less for awhile, I don’t understand why its back now. I don’t know what to do right now, I don’t know what to choose to eat, I don’t know what is the right choice. And now I am going to feel sick no matter what because I am so anxious. I just want to be able to sleep and to be able to feel good tomorrow. I was feeling so much more spiritual for awhile, but now I am just feeling angry again.