Panic at the House

I am so sick of this crushing anxiety. It is so disabling. I am so sick of living with my family. I know I should be thankful to live here, and I am thankful to have a nice place to stay, but when too many people are around, I just can’t BREATHE. My stomach feels all tight and I can’t breathe. I don’t know how to explain it. It’s like I am ultra-sensitive to every little thing everyone is doing or thinking or just their general presence, and I am utterly incapable of relaxing when there are all these people around. I want to just be able to CHOOSE when I want to be alone or when I want to be around people. It is my dream to have my own apartment, just by myself. I feel like I will never get there.

I am freaking out right now because I didn’t want to go out of my room to get dinner. But I was hungry so I went out there and my parents just started saying all the wrong things that I didn’t want to hear today. I am frustrated because my gluten-free & dairy-free experiment is working so well but we don’t have all the supplies I need here. I feel guilty asking my mom to buy them because they are expensive. I feel awkward about it too, really self-conscious that I have to ask for something I need. So I made myself a sandwich that is NOT GF and I was going to just eat it and accept feeling sick. Then my mom had to comment on why I was eating that instead of my GF bread and I said I was trying to ration out my GF bread because its expensive. So she brought me a plate of chicken and corn-on-the-cob that they are having for dinner. That was nice, but now I have two things in my room and I can’t decide what to eat and I don’t want it in here. I hate decisions so much. I just want to eat something and get it over with, I hate eating anyway. The thing is, I WANT my sandwich. But I am afraid I will feel sick after I eat it. I just hate this. If I lived all by myself, this wouldn’t happen. I could have what I need without feeling self-conscious or guilty.

I wish my boyfriend was here, he would know what to do. He would hold me. I feel like I have to do all of this all alone. When no one was home, I was resting all day and it felt RESTFUL. When everyone came home tonight, it started to feel suffocating to be in my room because I feel trapped in here because there is no where else to go to escape them. So I am getting a panic attack because I feel so trapped in here.

Sometimes this is just my journal now and I need to get stuff out. I just have so much anxiety lately that I can’t breathe EVER, or sleep, or do anything. It went away for awhile. I mean I always have an anxiety problem but it was so much less for awhile, I don’t understand why its back now. I don’t know what to do right now, I don’t know what to choose to eat, I don’t know what is the right choice. And now I am going to feel sick no matter what because I am so anxious. I just want to be able to sleep and to be able to feel good tomorrow. I was feeling so much more spiritual for awhile, but now I am just feeling angry again.


2 thoughts on “Panic at the House

  1. I know how that feels, and even though you can’t get away from it, you just have to somehow manage. This may not make sense since you said you can’t breathe, but you have to just breathe. Maybe take a shower, close your eyes, and just take deep breaths. Forcing relaxation is hard, but it gets easier with pratice. And you have to know that anything you choose to eat is right. There is no wrong choice as long as you are giving your body what it needs.

    I hope you feel better tomorrow! 🙂

  2. I feel the same way. My family is very tough and can handle poking fun, but I am not so good at it. My father and I don’t get along that well on top of it.

    I think Crystal has a good advice. Feel better!

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