Do you ever have an epiphany? Your thinking suddenly changes or you see a new way of looking at things all the sudden? It’s like it just HITS you. Sometimes afterwards, I don’t even know how to articulate it to other people, or even to myself, I just know it happened and that my thinking changed for the better.
Actually when I try to articulate it, sometimes I get anxious, like I can feel it flying out of my brain. But it’s always kind of IN there, I think it just sinks down into my subconscious or something.
So I am going to try my best to describe some major changes in my thinking that have occurred this week…
- Everyone has their own eating style, appetite, and way of eating that feels and works best for them. I know what works best for me. I don’t have to make myself eat like everyone else or eat things that I don’t like because I am self-conscious about being different or what they think about me. I CANNOT GO ON CARING ABOUT THIS FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE. I cannot go on feeling sick just to please other people. I don’t care anymore if they misunderstand me or my motives. I believe I know in my heart what are the right motives and can make my own choices.
- Food can be medicine, not just poison. I just have to eat the right foods. When I eat things that are healthy and make me feel good, I FEEL better mentally and physically. I DESERVE TO BE ABLE TO DO THAT. I don’t have to be hungry, I just want to choose foods everytime that make me feel good. Mostly that is no dairy; working on eating less gluten; lots of vegetables, fruit, beans/lentils, fish, lean meat, smoothies, salads; and the least-processed foods there are. Eating more cleanly lately has made me feel so much better physically and mentally. It has changed how I think about food – that instead of it being poision, I can look and feel even better eating cleanly. Sometimes eating a blondie makes me feel good too. And that is okay.
- If I am really hungry and need to eat something and feel sick after, I don’t have to blame myself. I just have to learn by process of elimination what that is, realize that not every meal is perfect, and realize that the medical condition I have made me feel sick – it’s not something I necessarily did “wrong”.
- Lastly, I have to start doing what I want each day for myself. I know about my fibromyalgia, nerve disorder, and mental health. I know how much it affects me and that I am not just lazy. I have to stop worrying about making everyone understand that and just believe it for myself. I am applying to nursing school. I am not going to be afraid. This is the only life I have. And honestly, with all the times I have been suicidal (thankfully not anymore), it makes total sense to just GO for everything when I was ready to give it all up anyways. What’s the worst that can happen?
Plan for today:
- Swim – I took yesterday off and literally just layed in bed all day so my arms feel recovered.
- Organize my bills (hopefully once and for all) – it’s back and forth between the insurance companies and the hospital over and over
- Find a Microbiology class to take & sign up asap. Where I am going to get money for this, I don’t know…
- Go on my little walks, keep my mind in the moment, clean, and try to look at the big picture.
- Enjoy spending time with my sisters.
I am so happy to be feeling better and no one is going to take that away from me now. This is MY life, I always forget that. I have to suffer in this life, so I deserve to feel good in it too. I am not going back to that dark place. Sometimes I am going to feel sick, but I am going to remind myself over and over…I have a medical condition and this is NOT my fault. Then I can do the things I know to do to take care of it, and know that it will pass.
Today is July 1st – Let’s make it a good one!
Have you had any shifts in your thinking lately that were for the better? Remember all of this I described is in the context of my life and may not make sense but it does for me.
Do you have a favorite show you are watching right now?
Like I said yesterday, I am watching “Prison Break” and am kind of in love with Wentworth Miller, although he is probably the worst actor ever so I’m not sure why…
AND — I can’t wait for one of my favorite shows EVER to start July 25th…MAD MEN!
My whole family watches, it is such a well-done show. We are planning to make MadMen-inspired cocktails every week and watch it. 😉
Betty is my fave! 🙂