I couldn’t sleep last night because my mind was whirring so much. Mostly about grad school and my crisis about it. So I ended up throwing my sleep schedule off, again…
I know a lot about fibromyalgia, I just realized I don’t know a lot about MY fibromyalgia. I promise I will get away from this health stuff sometime. But a) it rules my life right now and b) I had some revelations that I have to type out before I forget!
I woke up this morning and I couldn’t move my WHOLE body, it took two hours for me to de-stiffen so I could get out of bed. I still feel sick to my stomach. I am so frustrated.
I have had an eating disorder for ten years. It was pretty traditional when I was younger, then I got better, but my relapse almost three years ago has been weird. Now my e.d. is very unique. It started when I felt sick to my stomach all the time, then dizzy. I started eating less and less because everything I ate made me feel sick, have IBS, feel lethargic. I kept exercising because it made me feel better. Lo and behold, my body was pretty mad at me last spring and summer for doing too much on not enough fuel. So I have tried to eat more, but I still feel horrible.
I still feel like this, having these e.d. thoughts and tying all my symptoms to food. I either blame everything I feel on what I ate or I blame it on myself for being lazy or whatever. I am trying to eat healthier, and that is helping. I am trying to eat mainly gluten-free and stay away from milk and that is helping. It’s just all so confusing, I don’t know what to do sometimes! I am going to take the big leap and see a dietician in a couple weeks and go totally GF and see if it helps. I think diet is so related to FM symptoms, especially for me at this point. I don’t think I have to feel guilty about that, I don’t know why I do. I think because people, and by this I mean most professionals even, hear “eating disorder” and assume I am sitting here gazing at US Weekly and trying to look like Giselle Bundchen. I do want to look like Giselle, haha, but that is less than half of what this is about now-a-days, way less.
Anyway, this morning, I just realized WHY I feel so horrible. Because I have this process going on in my body. It’s not my fault. What I eat affects it, but I don’t have to blame myself for what I ate last night. Conversely, I don’t have to feel guilty, like I am being eating disordered, when I try to eat healthy (usually my e.d. works such that I don’t want to eat anything at all, or sometimes even just junk – I have always equated healthy eating with disordered eating because of my guilt and I need to stop that). I DESERVE to FEEL GOOD.
This morning I deserve to get up slowly, go swimming, and make something healthy to eat. I deserve to take life at my own pace. It is so hard for me to believe this that I am crying. I am sick of explaining it to people and my family and having no one understand why I am always hurting and sick and tired. I just wish I could do this for me.