Birthday eve

Tomorrow I will be 25 years old. I can honestly say that this last year has consistently been the hardest of my life. I am going to go into tomorrow with a new mindset of patience and challenge a lot of the absolutes I hold in my mind.

I feel so apathetic today, maybe medicine related. At the same time, I also feel nervous, but its strange. Like I feel so numbed out but am being a little agoraphobic at the same time. I have been afraid to leave my room today, I have been lying here, not even sleeping, for the most part. Then I started watching season 1 of “Prison Break”, liking it so far.

Basically the only thing I have done today:

My friend brought his puppy, Humphrey, over to play!

I think I am going to walk my dogs around the elementary school. I wonder if it would help me to document my food on here (?). I might try this week. I want to stop thinking about food so much and worrying about it and just trust my body. Somehow, I feel like just snapping a photo of it on my webcam and then moving on will make me stop obsessing about it. It is there, it is documented, move on.

I just want to relax today, I just want my brain to SHUT UP for at least one day! With the Cymbalta, I don’t feel so physically restless, which is really nice, but my mind still won’t stop worrying. My sister moves home to Denver tomorrow…I have been nervous about it. I love my sister but it will be a change for me. I think that is why I have felt so overwhelmed the last two days.

Anyway tomorrow I am going to start pushing myself to just DO things and not THINK so much.

And tonight I am just going to shut my brain off.

Plan for tomorrow (I am going to have to push myself):

  1. Church if I get up on time – muscle relaxers for my back are knocking me out!
  2. Swim 25-30 minutes
  3. Clean
  4. Walk dogs
  5. Do some computer work
  6. RELAX
  7. Massage
  8. Turn my brain off after 7pm, just relax, no computer, and just don’t think about anything but living in the moment.

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