Yeah funny title for a post that is really a lot about pain!
My back “went out” today, well, last night really. I had been having trouble for a few days with my lower back, which has been happening periodically for years. Suddenly last night the pain intensified. This morning I could hardly move, let alone bend over. I stayed up until 4 in the morning because I couldn’t sleep. I got a few hours of rest then and then woke up around 9. This is not as bad as the infamous 2007 lay-face-planted-on-the floor-for-two-hours/hole-in-the pants-mile-long-spasm-walk-to-the-health-center college episode, but it comes in second place.
Sometimes when I am in a lot of pain, or sick, I turn to bulimic behaviors. Well not sometimes, often. Especially in the last year since my nerve pain started. I am not sure why this is. I don’t know if I am angry at my body for what it’s doing. Or if (more likely), I just get so despondant that I give up on the world for the day, get frustrated by what I can’t do, and let all hell break loose.
I had one episode this morning. How I did this when I can hardly bend over, I don’t know. Then my dad and I went to the pharmacy to get a muscle relaxer prescription filled. I came home and took them and waited an hour and they weren’t working! I just got this sudden urge to eat again, frustrated. I intended to give up again. I ate a turkey and spinach sandwich…then a scoop of peanut butter…
Then I stopped. For some reason, I thought, “I don’t really want to do this”. I came back into my room and asked myself what I really wanted.
I started crying, and the urge to binge vanished.
I want the pain to go away. I want it to stop hurting. I want to stop suffering. I want to feel safe. Most of all, I want my boyfriend here. I want him to come home. I miss him so much it hurts. I want to stop having to struggle all alone.
Somehow, just letting myself cry makes me feel more compassionate towards myself. I just need to rest. I am tired. I hurt, both my body and my heart.
I did the right thing. I ate something healthy, and I stopped. I don’t know if I was hungry to start with, but it’s okay. I don’t have to do things the way I have always done them. If I hurt, I can just cry and feel sorry for myself and love myself.
God, I miss him. When I am struggling, I keep going and dig myself out of holes because I am looking forward SO much to our future together. We have been making so many plans for our future and marriage and it makes me so happy. It is okay to hurt. It is okay for me to go at a different pace than other people – they aren’t the same as me, and they don’t struggle with the same things. Maybe they have other problems that I don’t have.
Looking at the positive: my bf got me a $200 gift certificate to one of the nicest spas in town for my birthday! He is so amazing! 🙂 I made an appointment to get a Swedish massage for Sunday. Hopefully it will help my back! I couldn’t need it more right now. And it is enough for two people to go, so I asked my mom if she wanted to come with me. She is the first person I thought of when I thought who to share it with. She does so much for me and deserves it. I am so thankful for my parents. I get so down on myself for living at home when I am turning 25 on Sunday, but it is okay. Like I said, I am allowed to move at MY pace, the pace that keeps me safe and is the best for me. I have a good plan.
Toby – one of the dogs we rescued this week 🙂
Calla lilies – my absolute favorite flower! My boyfriend is who introduced me to them, they always remind me of him. I want them as my wedding bouquet!
Golden Bliss – wish I could always be this peaceful!