I lost but then I won (I hope)

Today was a hard day. My e.d. won the battle this morning but I am fighting it tonight. I want tomorrow to be a good day! My plans are to go to church, swim, and then work on some things.

The good news: I got an interview already for graduate school for next week. 🙂 I have decided that my long-term plan is to get this masters in nonprofit management and then get my doctorate in pharmacy school. I want to put these two things together in ways that are too long to explain right now. Plus, my science mind will go crazy if I don’t eventually study something more in the sciences. The nonprofit management classes will be really easy for me, but I will have to challenge myself to be outgoing and do public speaking and talk to people, etc. Same thing as always, I can excel on any test or school work but overcoming my anxiety on social skills is hard.

I feel connected to people through blogging and it feels good. My goal for this weekend was to be nicer to my mom. We don’t usually get along very well, mostly because we are so different in how we understand and experience the world, but she does a lot for me and so does my dad. For some reason, I take out a lot of my emotions on my mom, I think because she just doesn’t understand (although she tries, it’s like she just fundamentally cannot understand the experience of mental illness). I don’t do the same with my dad. But still, she is the one who sees me at my worst and she tries so hard to help. I just hate her exasperation with me sometimes, but when I put myself in her shoes, I can see why she feels like that. Who wants to have an almost 25-year old daughter who can hardly function by herself sometimes, has to live at home, is using up all your money on therapy, and has panic attacks all the time? Not to mention one who yells at you everyday.

I saw a doctor yesterday and got an X-ray on my lower spine. It looks like something is funny with the cartilidge in there but I won’t know until the radiologist reads it. The only positive to my nerve disorder is that I like learning all these scientific things about what’s going on!

I am really lonely tonight. And really nervous too. My urge to binge/purge again has been really strong but I am going through my DBT skills and trying to use any skills I can. Sometimes it helps me to make a list and write it down like this:

  • Internet
  • Mini-walk
  • Do some toning exercises
  • Do crafts
  • Internet
  • Repeat over and over and over until it’s time for bed. And then do better tomorrow!

I write this down and keep looking at it. It’s some form of a plan. DISTRESS TOLERANCE! If i just stay in the moment and keep doing this over and over, I can make it till tomorrow and have a better day then.

And then I write: “Think about how much better you will feel tomorrow if you don’t mess up again.”

That motivates me because I don’t want this cycle to keep going. In the fall, when I was fighting harder, before he left and I fell apart, I wrote down how I feel after I binge/purge:

  • Anxious, despairing, depressed, hopeless, disgusting, ill, unhealthy, SUICIDAL

I would look at that all the time. So that’s what I am thinking about tonight. I don’t want to have to feel that. Each time it happens it builds on itself and gets worse. I feel the urge even as I type this. I hope I can make it.


6 thoughts on “I lost but then I won (I hope)

  1. I hope you’re feeling better today. Stay strong, and keep thinking of all the great goals you have.

    I’d love to hear more about your plans with grad school and your career, when you feel like it. I always get excited by people’s plans.

  2. The blogging world is great for people like me who have trouble making friends in real life. I do have friends but it isn’t easy to get support from them as it is from my virtual friends! I can understand what you are going through.

    But you have so much going for you! Obviously you are way smarter than most of us and you are too smart to continue the binge cycle. You are way better than that!

    As Lisa said, stay strong.

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