It’s MY life

Don’t listen to those who say, “It’s not done that way.” Maybe it’s not, but maybe you will. Don’t listen to those who say, “You’re taking too big a chance.” Michelangelo would have painted the Sistine floor, and it would surely be rubbed out by today. Most importantly, don’t listen when the little voice of fear inside of you rears its ugly head and says, “They’re all smarter than you out there. They’re more talented, they’re taller, blonder, prettier, luckier and have connections…” I firmly believe that if you follow a path that interests you, not to the exclusion of love, sensitivity, and cooperation with others, but with the strength of conviction that you can move others by your own efforts, and do not make success or failure the criteria by which you live, the chances are you’ll be a person worthy of your own respect.–Neil Simon

I know this quote is long but it is so powerful. I have just been thinking lately that while my journey to what I want to do with my life is taking a little longer than expected, that that is okay. I can’t believe how far I have come with learning patience this year. I have unique needs and I need more rest and me-time than other people to handle stress and survive. And I am allowed to do that and find my own way.

Everything for my Master’s of Nonprofit Management program application is officially in! I will start in July. My long-term plan is to get my master’s and then go to pharmacy school and put the two disciplines together. My science mind (and obsession with biochemistry and pharmaceuticals) will just die if I just do the master’s program and I am so passionate about getting accessible mental health drugs to those that need it. The way the system works right now is bullshit on so many levels that I can’t even go into. I want to be an advocate and even educate doctors on how to make everything flow.

I feel happy that I am finally confident enough to pursue these dreams, and also that I figured out what they are. That was hard for me too. I get filled with terror sometimes. I have no doubts that I can intellectually handle any type of program but what if I can’t emotionally do it? But I AM going to do it, I am going to work with my mental illness and physical disability and overcome the challenge.

Today I did good at my goals:

  • I sat in my chair outside and practiced mindfulness when I let the dogs out and said my affirmations:
  • I deserve to take my medicine
  • I deserve to have a good day
  • Today is going to be a good day
  • I did deep breathing in the afternoon when I needed to
  • I accomplished so much and then realized tonight that I really needed some real relax time (for me that means shutting off my brain, not just lounging around with physical relaxation). This is REALLY hard for me to do, and I have struggled with it this evening. It feels like my mind is spinning. But I took my medicine and did deep breathing and I avoided an urge to cope negatively

I just realized today how much I am really up against with my mental illness(es). I am brave and I am no longer mad at myself for my failures or for what I have struggled with. I don’t know how to explain it, I just forgive myself, and yet I am still going to try to do the best I can to use my positive coping skills because I deserve it.

Still worried about tonight, if I can’t sleep but I will close my eyes and do deep breathing and it will be okay. One thing, even though I see why it happens, still DOES make me feel like a failure, and I know all too well what it is.

Have a good night!

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