Searching for the Positive

I feel like I have to write again after my last post. I don’t want to apologize for myself, because yes, I have bipolar disorder and an eating disorder and that is how I am, but after drinking a beer ( 😉 ) and talking to my boyfriend, I just feel a little more hope.

I have decided to start taking a new medicine for my nerve pain and just listen to the doctors. If they say I can kick my feet when I swim and that it will hurt but not cause more nerve damage, then I am going to do that tomorrow. I am sick of sitting here, frozen in my chair, having panic attacks because I am afraid that things will get worse. Frankly, I don’t think they can get any worse (well things can ALWAYS get worse but you know what I mean). If it stays like it is, I can just keep limping around the house and swimming with my arms. I can’t just sit here and wait for it to heal, that isn’t happening and it has been 10 months, with just more and more symptoms coming on.

Do you want to know something crazy? To me at least… I am such an idiot! My boyfriend has this blog he writes from Afghanistan and I commented on it without logging out of my wordpress account first, so I am terrified that he will find this. I don’t know why I care, I guess I kind of want it to be private. He knows everything about me and my problems but it still makes me nervous. Do you guys let people you know read your blog?

Something inspiring today — I have this issue with military wives. Like they have this thing where they always seem so cheerful and like nothing fazes them when their husbands are deployed and have three kids. I KNOW it fazes them, why can’t they be honest and just let it out. It has devastated me with him being gone, I don’t know how else to say it. It is SO unimaginably hard. But today I came upon a few blogs written by military wives that really inspired me. They let it all out, their REAL struggles. One in particular, was written by a woman whose husband was a Marine and was killed in action in March of this year in Afghanistan. She is amazing and inspiring and I have added her to the list of blogs I currently read. I can’t even comment on it without feeling like I will say the wrong thing, but she is amazing. She has a baby girl that is less than a year old.

Alot of blogs inspire me (can I name them? tell me if you dont want yours named….) Jess at theprocessofhealing, Kim at adventuresinwanting, Heather at sideofsneakers.com. Tracey at notsuperhuman.com, Sarah at bearingeatingbeing (the first blog I read that got me started on blog reading), Caitlin at healthytippingpoint.com, Tina at carrotsncake.com, among others that I am finding by the day!

Some are not so inspiring but I just read for amusement, such as eatliverun.com. The blog bugs me but I keep reading, its a good blog I guess, keeps me entertained :).

Anyway, I HAVE TO KEEP GOING! I have to. I want my wedding day and for my man to come home more than anything and I know I can do this.

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2 thoughts on “Searching for the Positive

  1. You’re brave to share your deepest feelings. Hang in there and keep doing all those things you love that bring you peace. You’re in my thoughts! 🙂

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