It is crushing me

Once again, I find myself in a very dark place. I feel on the verge of making these changes in my life but I don’t know how to crawl out of this hole. I don’t feel safe with myself and I feel scared. I thought today would be better than yesterday but I messed everything up again. If I just go swimming in the morning, I will be fine. I am going to kick my feet too, pain be damned. If I just make it through tomorrow I will be fine. But I am so sick of saying this, I am so sick of this battle in general, and especially sick of losing it. I am so close to giving up. I just have to keep distracting myself or I won’t be okay. I feel so fat and disgusting and like a failure in every way possible. I honestly think I might go drink a beer and then try to relax and then get up tomorrow and swim. Will I eat for a few days? No, I can’t. I know I am a bad example. I want to quit my bulimic behaviors but I have lost motivation to get help with restriction right now. I don’t know why, I guess everything just sucks so bad I just want one thing that’s mine. I want to ENJOY this summer and I WILL TOMORROW! Summer is my favorite, I am NOT going to destroy it, I am going to feel beautiful and productive and have fun. Please God just let me get through tonight and get to the pool tomorrow morning (that always makes me feel better, it will take the suicidal thoughts away) safely. Sorry so dark, this is the real me sometimes.

For me, bulimia doesn’t stem from being hungry, I am hardly ever hungry. It comes from emotions sometimes and wanting to relax (when it is a one time event, only once that day and then the next day is fine), but right now it comes from self-hatred and is a way to self harm (that’s what happens when I get in a bad three-day cycle like this). It’s hard to tell if I get depressed from eating or eat because I am depressed. I think this time is started out as the latter and then became a circle. Memorial Day was hard for me. I just want my spark back, my hope, even that borderline euphoria I was having. I lost weight, a few pounds that were making me uncomfortable, and now this – now I feel scared I will gain it all back. But tomorrow I just can’t care about that, I have to find it in me somewhere to just respect my life and my body.

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