Survive vs Alive


Well I am up, I slept a lot today. I have this nagging cold that is wiping me out!

Today I feel: scared but determined. I would like to have defined how I feel with one concise word but sometimes that is hard to do. Scared – because I always feel scared and because I have a lot to work on and have realized that I have to do it mostly by myself. And Determined – because I had a good session at therapy and it always makes me feel determined and re-focused on my goals. I wish I could go every week but I only have enough money to go every other week right now. I could see a different therapist that is cheaper, but honestly, I would rather see this one twice a month than another one every week. That may change, but that’s how I feel for now. My therapist is named Meredith. I saw her as an undergrad in college when she was a Ph.D. student. I did so well when we worked together. Then I randomly looked her up this past winter and found out she had moved back to the Denver area to practice. I called her up and she had an opening for me! This is the first time I have felt hopeful through therapy since I took my DBT class in September. I started with her about two months ago.

So my main goals from therapy today are:

  1. Take my Klonopin every evening at 6pm for now because it is PRESCRIBED FOR ME TO DO THAT! I don’t know why I fight that so much – I am afraid of getting addicted to it – but it is SO much better than using other bad behaviors to cope with my evening anxiety and loneliness!
  2. No alcohol for now – it really messes with my judgment and medication (even though I only drink one beer at a time like four days a week!) The amount I think seems very small so people laughed at me when I said I needed to quit for now, but it affects me a lot so I have to do what’s right for me!
  3. Just focus on TODAY and stop THINKING and ANALYZING EVERYTHING so much.
  4. And finally, reflect on what it would mean for me to LIVE versus just to SURVIVE. Too often for the past few years and especially in the last year, I feel like I am just surviving the day (and too often I mean this literally, like avoiding suicide or self-harm with DBT skills). I am going to reflect on this and post about it. I think it is important no matter what just “surviving” means to you – slogging through or whatever.

Some more facts about me (I am not ALL anxiety, pain, and mental illness – something I need to remind myself quite often even):

  • I have a bachelor’s degree in Biology – which is why I go into all this detail about my medications, I find it so fascinating. I was going to apply to Pharmacy school, but due to my health issues I decided to…
  • Start a Master’s program in Non-Profit Management!!! I will be starting in July and am so excited. I have been directionless for so long. I already have part of a Master’s in Education before deciding that was NOT for me.
  • I also studied French pretty intensively in college and consider my self nearly fluent in reading and writing and semi-fluent in speaking (why is that the first to go!) — I can’t wait to get back to France someday. I have visited twice but would love to live there for a bit.
  • I am unemployed (:( ) but I volunteer for a dog rescue as a the transportation volunteer supervisor and I LOVE IT! I have been doing it for two months and it has changed my life – it has given me so much purpose and led me to the non-profit management program.
  • I have one dog that is mine, my basset :), and one that is technically my parents’ that we just rescued from the same rescue I work for. She is a Golden Retriever, and she is basically mine too because I hang out with her all day and take care of her. My basset is a rascal! I got him when I was in college and he is a terror but I love him (hounds are completely stubborn and impossible to train!) He is pretty lazy, but now that I can only walk around the block, that is okay because he can go with me. The Golden was a breeder dog at a puppy mill and had a bad life before coming to us. She is really needy but is so happy here and is getting her spirit back.
  • I live in Colorado and am fiercely proud of my Colorado native-ness! I love it here!
  • I have an AMAZING boyfriend who is a 1st Lieutenant in the Army and is deployed to Afghanistan right now. He is my greatest supporter and is such an inspiring person.
  • Yes, I am almost 25 years old…and I live with my parents…again…Someday I will get out of here! πŸ™‚

I know every blogger always asks this? (And I wouldn’t even be so bold to say I am a “blogger” yet…) But doesn’t anyone have any suggestions for my blog? I want it to be easy to read and not too too wordy. It is mostly for me to organize my thoughts, feel connected to you all, and focus on my goals. But I would like any other suggestions too!

Another question: Do you have pets? How do they help your stress and emotional health? This is the field I really want to get in with my Master’s degree. My dogs help me so much. From just comedy relief to knowing when I am sad and putting their heads on my lap.


5 thoughts on “Survive vs Alive

  1. Good post. You are a trooper.
    I get so disillushioned. My bowels, my body…just all failing me…so…ugh.
    and it doesn’t help that i just ate 500 cals worth of chocolate …when i just about to go to bed…and what do i do?
    force myself awake and start eating all over again…and nothing more than a walk…its tuff to deal with this…what is cause and what is effect is what i wonder…trying to figure out how i “gain weight” and knowing that is not going to fix me either…wish it wasnt so complicated

    your blog is great i think.
    no pets for me.

  2. So wonderful to learn more about you!
    As for pets, I have 3 cats (2 indoor, 1 outdoor). They bring total happiness to me every day. I really think my mood improvements over the last several months are due not only to medication, but getting the kittens (we got them a year ago… I’d only had outdoor cats before them).

  3. I just read some of your posts and I am so sorry you are in so much pain! I have heard that Fibromyalgia is extremely painful and I think it is terrible you have to go through that. I definitely think a gluten-free diet is worth a shot…and don’t concern yourself with people who make comments about your eating choices. My brother loves to say things about me but whatever, I usually just smack him and he shuts up. πŸ™‚

    I would highly suggest you check out Fat Flush Plan because when I considered doing it I read ever single one of the 200 reviews on and several people said that doing that plan helped them with Fibromyalgia! It certainly helped me in that I now know what I am allergic/intolerant to (of?).

    I hope that helps you and don’t hesitate to let me know if you have any more questions. I feel 95% better than I did 6 months ago and I hope I can help others improve their symptoms too!

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