Alone

I have had a really hard day. I just layed in bed all day, exhausted, in and out of sleep, and so sad. Tonight I am so upset at the lack of recovery support from my family, over my eating disorder and mental health issues. I miss my boyfriend so much, sometimes I don’t think that I will ever be better until he comes home, or that I can’t do this on my own.

My mom thinks she supports me because she loans me money for treatment and because I live here, and I acknowledge that she tries really hard sometimes and that she deals with a lot from me. But tonight I just HURT. And I feel more alone than ever. She just doesn’t understand and she just doesn’t get or isn’t willing to give me the support I need. Part of it is me too. Because of how her and my sister have treated me over the years with this, mostly with anger, I feel so ashamed around them. Ashamed, anxious, and guilty. And of course all of those negative emotions just fuel it more. Mostly, I just feel judged.

And that is why I miss him extra today. He never, ever judges me. He could say, “I am in Afghanistan and you are talking about worrying about what you ate for breakfast?!” But he never, ever says that. When we get to talk, he supports me and never judges me. I think he believes what I believe, that everyone’s problems are relative only to them. I miss him and I want him here to hold me.

(Sorry I know my blog isn’t the most optimistic. I am a pessimist by nature. But it’s also like this because I just want to type what my heart feels so I don’t feel so lonely.)

I just feel so alone today. And I kind of feel angry too, angry at the anger my mom and sister direct towards me sometimes. I am not going to feel belittled by it anymore, they don’t know what I go through, and I just have to do this on my own and do the best I can.

Once again, I have enjoyed reading so many blogs today. It was so sunny out but I just layed in bed, but I was comfy and my medicine actually worked and I didn’t feel so much panic. Tomorrow is going to be really nice weather again, but I am just scared of the day. I hate when my fear takes over my life like this.

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5 thoughts on “Alone

  1. I hope just writing this all down and taking it easy today will help with your anxiety. Please don’t be afraid of the day! 🙂

    I totally understand the (sometimes feeling a) lack of support in recovery. You’re doing a wonderful thing and you know your family has your back, right?! I hope so!

    Maybe just stepping away from the daily routine of being around them and making a list of what you still need and what you appreciate could give you a new perspective.

    Sometimes I just need a break from my family. A break from talking about what I’m eating (or not), how my job hunting is going, if I’m keeping my room clean..blah blah.

    I’m loving the fact that he is so supportive regardless of his situation. I think that is so important! You are so strong hon. Keep your chin up!

    • Thank you so much for your support! I think I am going to work on just doing what I need to do to support MYSELF right now instead of worrying what everyone else thinks so much!

  2. First of all, thank you so much for the kind comment on my blog. I’m sorry you’re feeling so alone. Trust me, I know how hard it can be to find people who understand and support recovery (including the stumbles that are just part of recovery). I’d love to start following your blog 🙂

  3. I understand how you feel! I’ve been struggling w/ my ed since 2008 and it’s back again. I feel that my mom and dad just don’t understand me sometimes. There tends to be a lack of respect towards me and some of their comments hurt. I usually wriyte in a journal, read, color etc. I wish I knew how to knit or even knew someone who understands me. Good luck with your recovery, I look foward to reading your blog.

    Nicole

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