I have had a really hard day. I just layed in bed all day, exhausted, in and out of sleep, and so sad. Tonight I am so upset at the lack of recovery support from my family, over my eating disorder and mental health issues. I miss my boyfriend so much, sometimes I don’t think that I will ever be better until he comes home, or that I can’t do this on my own.
My mom thinks she supports me because she loans me money for treatment and because I live here, and I acknowledge that she tries really hard sometimes and that she deals with a lot from me. But tonight I just HURT. And I feel more alone than ever. She just doesn’t understand and she just doesn’t get or isn’t willing to give me the support I need. Part of it is me too. Because of how her and my sister have treated me over the years with this, mostly with anger, I feel so ashamed around them. Ashamed, anxious, and guilty. And of course all of those negative emotions just fuel it more. Mostly, I just feel judged.
And that is why I miss him extra today. He never, ever judges me. He could say, “I am in Afghanistan and you are talking about worrying about what you ate for breakfast?!” But he never, ever says that. When we get to talk, he supports me and never judges me. I think he believes what I believe, that everyone’s problems are relative only to them. I miss him and I want him here to hold me.
(Sorry I know my blog isn’t the most optimistic. I am a pessimist by nature. But it’s also like this because I just want to type what my heart feels so I don’t feel so lonely.)
I just feel so alone today. And I kind of feel angry too, angry at the anger my mom and sister direct towards me sometimes. I am not going to feel belittled by it anymore, they don’t know what I go through, and I just have to do this on my own and do the best I can.
Once again, I have enjoyed reading so many blogs today. It was so sunny out but I just layed in bed, but I was comfy and my medicine actually worked and I didn’t feel so much panic. Tomorrow is going to be really nice weather again, but I am just scared of the day. I hate when my fear takes over my life like this.