I haven’t been around. The last few days have been terrifying and dark and horrible. I have been going through this crushing depression, one of the worst of my life. My suicidal thoughts that have been mostly dormant, sometimes fleeting, for the last month or so came back into a very serious form. I am still scared but something happened in this last hour….
I was driving back from a doctor’s appointment – meeting my new internist, getting some labs done, and picking up some prescriptions…and I just had this feeling that I get sometimes. That it’s passing. That tomorrow I am going to wake up and feel right again and go drink some coffee and go swimming and it won’t be crushing me anymore. But this time I am going to be careful not to swing back the other way too much, and to stay calm. I know I won’t eat much tomorrow. I can’t on that day the depression passes, but I am going to eat dinner and NOT DRINK (very important) and then have a good PB sandwich on my Orowheat Whole Grain & Flax english muffin (one of the few foods I like in this world) and a glass of milk before bed and take my medicine so I can sleep. AND wake up Friday and stay CALM and carry through Sunday (which will be hard because I have to go to brunch, but good because I get to go to church) and through Monday, eating salads for lunch again by this point because I am more back on track (by which I mean I will feel safe having ANY food again and I will pray alot), until I see my therapist Monday night. I can do this, and stay calm and not let the depression and bulimia take me over again and hurt me. And then I can slowly start to nourish again and pray and feel calmer. Okay, now I am getting anxious writing this so I have to stop.
TONIGHT, I am just going to do what I have to do to stay safe and to not think too much about anything or feel like I have to do anything.
I was thinking – maybe I just need to increase my Lamictal again? It seems like each time I go up 25mg, I do so well for awhile and then I just crash again at some point. This kind of scares me because I don’t want to keep going up forever! But then again, I have to remember – I am not at a therapeutic dose yet. I am only taking 75mg/day and a therapeutic dose for most people is 150mg. So maybe tomorrow I will go up to 100mg – and I am seeing a new psychiatrist next week and I will ask her. I hope I like her. Psychiatrists are like aliens, they aren’t human! They are a strange breed of people that don’t really know how to interact with human beings. I have only found one that was normal in the ten or so that I have seen.
Strange that people may read this – maybe I will make it private later. But I needed to say that stuff. And the thing that is really important, is that if I wake up feeling better tomorrow, I CAN’T BE SCARED OF THIS COMING AGAIN and over-plan to try to control it (which is what I was starting to do above and why I got anxious). I have to STAY IN THE MOMENT and just give my brain permission to rest from thinking beyond the moment I am in for the next week or so.
QOTD – “Between stimulus and response there is a space. In that space is our power to choose our response. In our response lies our growth and our freedom” ~ Victor Frankl
AND – “BREATH BY BREATH” – will be my motto for tonight and tomorrow and this weekend
What I have learned this week: Cry, let yourself get your frustration out, but then don’t dwell too long and go distract. Just crying in my room has been so helpful to deal with my anxiety and my feelings this week. But once I cry, I don’t have to keep crying, I can choose to regulate the emotion by doing an activity or walking or deep breathing or cleaning or whatever I need to do in that moment.