I am SO excited for season 2 of HBO’s “Game of Thrones” series. It starts on April 1st! I am almost finished with Book 5, “A Dance with Dragons”.

I am constantly amazed as I read the books how perfectly cast the series is.

I bought my wedding dress on Tuesday! More thoughts on that to come…of course I am thinking about if it is the perfect one, which I actually know it isn’t, but unless you are a multi-millionaire, nobody really gets to buy the dress they create in their head. I really wish I could have found a dress with cap-sleeves like I wanted, but I ended up getting strapless and am really pleased with the quality of the dress. I also really, really love my Spanish-style veil!

What TV show do you get excited about? Do you get embarrassed when you look like a tourist like I do?

This year, my resolution: less talking, more doing.

Acting on my goals, not getting intimidated and following through with my short-term career plan, working on our business, keeping calm and just doing the task set before me day-by-day without thinking too much of the NEXT moment. Setting out a plan for myself, each day and overall, and actually doing it. I don’t know how else to describe what it means to me, but it’s the only way to make a change in my life.

You control this moment.

Ever since I got engaged, I am very conscious of having my nails done. I can’t afford to get professional manicures but I make sure my nails are freshly painted every weekend before I see everybody. I have resolved lately to dress up and take more pride in my appearance, fix my hair, etc. It is something I worked on before in the past and it really makes you feel more confident. I kind of let that lapse for awhile and just put my wet hair up into a bun every day. When I was home for Christmas, I got dressed every day and fixed my hair and it really made a difference so I am trying to keep that up since I got back to California.

Of course this little booger always ruins my toe nails

We are having people over for a game night tonight so I am making chili. Hope its fun. The two people that I consider our best friends here might not be coming so that is disappointing to me because I am kind of anxious hanging out with people from B’s work that are more strangers to me.

I think I have pretty much decided to just go with our original plan for the wedding and just accept it and move on with planning and setting things up. I was considering changing our venue, then having a brunch wedding instead of a dinner reception, and some other things (including eloping staright to our honeymoon destination – but I know I would regret that). I feel like since we have so many out of town guests from B’s side, we should just have the whole thing and dinner reception, etc.  I am so excited to get married, just nervous about standing in front of people and feeling guilty about the money. I just have to move on with it though. Weddings are almost like walking at your college graduation and many other things. In a way you don’t want to do it at the time, but later you look back and are glad you did, for the pictures, memories, and experience.

Happy New Year to everyone!

I spent New Year’s Eve (FYI my favorite holiday besides the 4th of July) in San Marino at a small house party. I would way rather be at a house party on NYE than out in a crowded bar or club! It was a very nice time. We went out for sushi and then came back to our friend’s house and drank a lot of Cava (the Spanish version of champagne, much cheaper and delicious). I am very into sparkling wine.

To top it off, yesterday and today it has been 80* here. I got a lot of sunshine yesterday sitting out in what I can only describe as our friend’s parents’ rose garden watching our dogs play, and then later driving around downtown Riverside (random, totally the other direction from San Marino). It feels so lovely and brings a smile to my face because it reminds me Spring is coming around again, even though that’s a couple months away officially. I appreciated our white Christmas in Colorado but I do not miss the lingering winter that lasts until April.

This is my doggie that drives me crazy.

I know it would have been crazy but I am disappointed we didn’t get to see at least a little bit of the Rose Parade in Pasadena since we were already over there. Apparently they don’t hold it on Sundays so every 7th year when the 1st falls on a Sunday, they have it on Jan. 2nd.

I have a lot of things I need to be working on but have been overwhelmed by wedding stress. Overwhelmed like panic attacks and just having to lay in bed because I’m worn out. It sucks. I hate having GAD/Panic disorder and I also hate having to do this from out of state. I have to make some decisions about the planning this week, HAVE to, and so I am feeling a lot of pressure about that, but maybe if I just go with things and stop over thinking it would be better. Just have been crying every day about this. I think to everyone it seems dumb but I just get overwhelmed so easily. I just can’t seem to find anything within our budget and it is getting stressful.

Now I’m off to watch some TV (totally taking the day off from my secretary duties, cleaning duties, wedding planning follow-up stuff) and to spend my Amazon gift cards I got for Christmas. Can’t wait to buy some books I’ve really been wanting!

I am also so overwhelmed with my dog. I know that’s a stupid thing, perhaps, to be overwhelmed about but I just feel like I get no time to myself to use my coping skills (deep breathing, etc) because of his constant puppy-ness (he’s 9 months old and full of energy).

I am worrying so much about wedding planning because it’s so hard to plan from out of state. Vendors also just really screw you over with hidden fees with weddings! My venue doesn’t coordinate anything (like they don’t have their own caterer, etc) so I have to do all of this adding everything together myself. More stressful than that is I don’t really get how everything will work logistically on that day. And we have all of these out-of-town guests coming that adds to that. I am feeling like having our venue so far outside of Denver, in the mountains, will be hard for that reason. Stressful! I am trying to just PICK things and GO WITH IT though!

An interesting twist, my sister just e-mailed me. We have not spoken since February, her choice. She has cut off all contact with me since then. I doubt she will be coming to my wedding. We have been pretty close our whole lives (she is only 20 months younger than me) but have also had our differences on the subject of my mental health, though never before to this extent. I am finally allowing myself to be angry at her too though and let that be okay. Very hard for me to do. I constantly hear her voice in my head yelling at me. Anyway, in her e-mail she said that she wants to be civil over Christmas so that our whole family can spend the holiday together but that she still no longer wants to have a relationship with me beyond that. Not unexpected, but still hard to hear. I just wrote her back and said that I understand her need to protect herself but also feel the same way about keeping a distance between us for now. I think it’s what is best for both of us right now, for each of our own mental health. I hope that was the right thing to say.

I fly to Denver this weekend. I am very excited to see the rest of my family and to have my mom’s comfort and help with the wedding planning stuff! I feel a lot of pressure around family but I do love my family very much. My parents are so amazing. I think my greatest fear right now is that the rest of them will abandon me like my sister, especially that my other sister will. I think that is what makes me feel so afraid. Like I said above, I am okay with not speaking to the middle sister because to be honest, she makes me uncomfortable and feel generally bad about myself and having a relationship with her right now isn’t good for me either, like she says it isn’t good for her. B says I have to give everyone else credit that they are different than her and not let my fear about her affect my relationship with anyone else.

Anything you are stressed about over the holidays? How can I help?

I decided not to volunteer today. I’m disappointed with how little I do there and I am just sick of taking the bus. To really nice day out today and went to go on a little walk, by myself. I just tried to take my dog to the mailbox and some idiot was just walking around out there with their dog off -eash, and although it was a friendly dog, it made my dog go crazy and start pulling me when this other dog ran over and tried to play with him. I got all tangled up and re-opened the bad cut I have on my finger.

Pet peeve of the day: when people don’t leash their dogs!

Check out this post by Heather at sideofsneakers.com. Our stories are so similar, although I can’t/am too scared to do the exercise she does. I wish the best for her. Like Heather, I can remember the exact day my nerve disorder started almost two and a half years ago: July 3, 2009. After a relapse last month, I am feeling better the last couple of weeks though. So thankful for that. I also just have to concentrate on swimming. What is getting me the most down is the limitations in my career plans which makes me so disappointed. I just have to keep going and realize that most people won’t ever understand, but stick up for myself with disability accommodations in the workplace and school!

As you know, I get really bored around here, which is really difficult to deal with and triggers a lot of emotions. But I am working on some things that I’m excited about. I didn’t go to volunteer today and I didn’t last week. I started getting really stressed out by riding the bus and got frustrated because I don’t feel like I do much there. I pretty much just watch and observe most of the time and I wish I had more tutoring time.

However, I am really working on several things to plan for my future that finally seem attainable. I don’t know why but I just like to keep that kind of stuff to myself; it makes me less anxious that way. Right now I am trying to busy myself with some things around here. I enjoy cooking dinners for B and planning menus. I do the cleaning and the laundry, I really need to clean the bathrooms today.

My two main projects are wedding planning and crafting, specifically making homemade cards. I have to reiterate over and over to myself that they are purposeful tasks.

My future mother-in-law recently gave to me a Cricut die-cut machine, which was really nice of her and is really awesome. She also gave me quite a few papers and I bought a few more last weekend. Without her help I wouldn’t have gotten to get started crafting again because all of that stuff gets so expensive!

To add purpose to this activity that I enjoy, I offered to make Christmas cards for my mom this year. I made them last year also when I lived with my parents. In previous years my mom has enjoyed making them herself, but now she works full-time, often 50 hours a week, and really just doesn’t have time for it. So it really feels like I am helping her out and doing something I enjoy at the same time.

So when things get hard tonight, I plan to watch my shows and really focus on that, and alternate cleaning. I really need to make a lot of phone calls tomorrow morning but I can’t really do that tonight. So I just have to put that out of my mind for now and focus on these tasks that I can do. Staying strong is the most important thing.

Just talking now I guess, always so much more I want to talk about than what I do.

I am going to Denver in two weeks for 10 days. I am pretty excited to go and see my family and have people around. Also, MAJORLY excited to have a pool within driving distance AND my parents’ spare car so I can go whenever I want like I use to! I am increasingly struggling with not being able to do that here. It is undermining me every day.

It is a terrible feeling to feel like you have no independence. I definitely don’t financially. Being able to drive myself to the pool (swimming is verrrrry important to me) was always the one thing that saved me, and now I don’t have that here. I just have to hold out til March when we move and can hopefully find a place closer to the pool. I know this seems like a silly thing but it is everything to me.

My grandma (whose husband just died) will also be there. She is coming from Phoenix to stay with my parents for about three weeks. We will have my grandfather’s memorial in Denver on December 18th and then she will spend Christmas there and see all of our extended family. It will be crazy because my parents have two Golden Retrievers and my grandma has two (quite annoying) Yorkie-Poodle mixes and I am bringing my 8-month old pug puppy. So there will be five dogs! I was excited for my pug to play with my mom’s dogs but I am hoping he doesn’t bug the Yorkies too much because they are typical small dogs – yappy! They actually like to play but my grandma is so protective of them. I feel sorry for them, actually, they just want to play too. Hopefully she will just let them play and I won’t have to be pulling my dog off of them all the time.

I am just feeling generally bad about myself – my body and my appearance – even though I am feeling better and more patient about my self-worth with regards to being unemployed, etc. But my body image is really bothering me and I am just unhappy with myself. I hate my clothes. I REALLY need a haircut, hoping to get one when I’m home (yeah, still call Denver home). I want my hair to be long again. All of this adds up to poor self-confidence and me being in a bad mood.

My arms feeling somewhat better so I can type today. If you don’t already know, I have an inflammatory nerve disorder right now loosely diagnosed as mononeuritis multiplex (MM). This is definitely what I would call it, and this is the term usually thrown around by doctors, but it is not on my chart and that really bothers me (that’s why I say loosely – I have a doctor’s appointment in January to re-do my nerve conduction studies and then it should be official). I want an official name, even if it is only a name of the symptoms! MM can be caused by systemic inflammatory conditions such as lupus or rheumatoid arthritis (I have tested negative for both), diabetes, and other diseases – usually from vasculitis associated with these diseases that then causes nerve damage. About a third of MM cases are idiopathic (a word meaning “no known cause”). Who knows with me.

Mononeuritis multiplex is a term for small-scale inflammation in the nerves that leads to pain, numbness, and, potentially, partial to full paralysis. By “small-scale” I don’t mean small impact, I mean inflammation on a micro-level where you can’t always see the swelling looking at your body. Multiple nerves have to be affected to fit under this diagnosis. I have problems with the ulner nerves in my inner elbow (leading to pain and numbness in that area and swelling traveling down my arm to result in numbness and loss of movement in my 4th and 5th fingers), the carpal tunnel, and, most severely, in the tibial nerves in my inner ankles (called the tarsal tunnel area – this is why I can’t walk more than a couple of blocks or drive). Sometimes I have problems with the trigeminal nerve in my cheeks.

Also, it differs from the term “polyneuropathy” in the sense that the pain/numbness can be traced to one localized nerve in multiple places (as opposed to many small nerve fibers all over). For example, I have pain and numbness in my inner ankle that can be traced down the nerve pathway of the tibial nerve there. Instead of burning pain all over my feet that is more small-nerve fiber. Of course, I also have a ton of other wacky symptoms, including burning in my legs, that are seperate (or are they?…).

I hate not knowing exactly what’s going on and I hate having this. It has affected SO many areas of my life and caused me a lot of depression, anxiety, and helpless/hopeless/worthless feelings. I can’t drive, walk more than a couple of blocks, or be on my feet very long. It is very variable from day to day. Some days I can do a lot more than others. Like today I can type all of this and some days I start getting numbness after typing a few sentences.

Most of all I hate doctors and going to the doctor and HMO’s! I just get so nervous about all that.

Thanks for everybody’s nice words about B. B is doing much better. His doctor’s appt today went well.

Thanks also for your kind words about my grandfather.

I just want to do better at dealing with things. I just hate feeling stuck here, especially not getting to drive to the pool when I want to. For the record, I have pain when I drive but I still have a license. I can drive about a mile without much pain and without lasting effects. I just need to move within that distance of my pool.

Uh, I don’t really know why my post is about this today. I guess I just wanted to talk. Maybe will apply when I write more later.